Well Dad,
This was your first year in heaven for your birthday. And while we missed you so very much here on earth, with us, I know you are surrounded by many others who have loved you & missed you.
2014 has without a doubt been THEE hardest year of my life.
Harder then being a 17 year old mother.
Harder then facing my demons & going to rehab.
Losing you, the greatest man I will EVER know, has brought me to my knees.
Just this past weekend, my cousin Stephen came to join you and his own father.
He was only 59.
As you would say, that's too god damn young. He leaves behind 3 children. It is devestating.
Just another reminder how precious life is.
Here one day, gone another. I knew a wonderful mad who used to say the same.
Miss you more then anything & I cannot wait until we meet again.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Friday, December 5, 2014
Wishing you were here
Not sure where to start.
So many things have happened & so many things are coming up that I really wish you were for.
For starters, Nicole had her 20th Birthday & I wish you could have been there for that.
Thanksgiving came & I wish you were there for that.
After all, you are & always will be one of the most important people I am thankful to have had in my life. "HAD" - that hurts so badly. And even though you are no longer phyically here with me, you are & ALWAYS will be in my heart.
I was going to spend the day with Robert & Aunt El but Robert got sick & had to cancel.
I ended up spending the day at the Didden's & Im glad I went. I got to spend the time with Nicole & I know you would have been happy about that. I also know you would have been happy to know I wasn't sitting home alone.
Your Birthday is in 2 days. You would have been 83. You knew you weren't going to be here for it. But Robert, Aunt El are going to go Gino's in your memory.
Then of course there's Christmas.
It's just been one special event, one special holiday after another that you are no longer here to celebrate with us.
And it absoutley breaks my heart.
Im doing the best I can Dad. Im REALLY REALLY trying & I think you would be proud of how I'm holding up.
I think of you & all you went through & not once did you "throw in the towel".
As you would often say "You have to play the hand your delt"
I love you & miss you more then words alone could ever express.
So many things have happened & so many things are coming up that I really wish you were for.
For starters, Nicole had her 20th Birthday & I wish you could have been there for that.
Thanksgiving came & I wish you were there for that.
After all, you are & always will be one of the most important people I am thankful to have had in my life. "HAD" - that hurts so badly. And even though you are no longer phyically here with me, you are & ALWAYS will be in my heart.
I was going to spend the day with Robert & Aunt El but Robert got sick & had to cancel.
I ended up spending the day at the Didden's & Im glad I went. I got to spend the time with Nicole & I know you would have been happy about that. I also know you would have been happy to know I wasn't sitting home alone.
Your Birthday is in 2 days. You would have been 83. You knew you weren't going to be here for it. But Robert, Aunt El are going to go Gino's in your memory.
Then of course there's Christmas.
It's just been one special event, one special holiday after another that you are no longer here to celebrate with us.
And it absoutley breaks my heart.
Im doing the best I can Dad. Im REALLY REALLY trying & I think you would be proud of how I'm holding up.
I think of you & all you went through & not once did you "throw in the towel".
As you would often say "You have to play the hand your delt"
I love you & miss you more then words alone could ever express.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Random
Here I sit, alone, with my thoughts & a blank piece of paper.
I miss you !
That's nothing new, we all know this.
It's just that I'm missing you on a different level.
I'm missing you because it's been almost SIX months!
I'm missing you because so many special occasions are coming up.
Nicole's 20th is just a few days away.
20 years dad. I don't know what her or I would have done without you for the last 19 1/2
I wish you could be here to celebrate. We've come a long way from the scared 16 year old pregnant girl I was. All and only because of your help !
Then there's thanksgiving.
You were and always be one my greatest blessing. And even though you are not physically here, you always will be.
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be who I am today.
Then your birthday.
You told me you wouldn't make it to 83. You knew.
But that doesn't lessen the hurt.
Then Christmas.
Nothing will be the same.
Wish I could fast forward. But I know I can't.
And you wouldn't want me to.
You would want me to show up
For Nicole & I will
I will try to be the parent you were to me, to Nicole.
For then she will only have the best !
I miss you & love you always.
I miss you !
That's nothing new, we all know this.
It's just that I'm missing you on a different level.
I'm missing you because it's been almost SIX months!
I'm missing you because so many special occasions are coming up.
Nicole's 20th is just a few days away.
20 years dad. I don't know what her or I would have done without you for the last 19 1/2
I wish you could be here to celebrate. We've come a long way from the scared 16 year old pregnant girl I was. All and only because of your help !
Then there's thanksgiving.
You were and always be one my greatest blessing. And even though you are not physically here, you always will be.
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be who I am today.
Then your birthday.
You told me you wouldn't make it to 83. You knew.
But that doesn't lessen the hurt.
Then Christmas.
Nothing will be the same.
Wish I could fast forward. But I know I can't.
And you wouldn't want me to.
You would want me to show up
For Nicole & I will
I will try to be the parent you were to me, to Nicole.
For then she will only have the best !
I miss you & love you always.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Random thoughts - missing you as always
Well I should start by saying I "jumped the gun" with my last post. The cardinals didn't make it to the World Series. I truly thought they were going to win Dad.
I haven't written in a little while because I had no access on my computer. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about you or wanted to write.
I'm posting this by using my phone. I hope it works.
I had a rough day last Thursday. When people say grief comes in waves they sure weren't kidding.
I was supposed to go to the bereavement group but decided I'm not going to attend that anymore. It's been very choppy, cancelled a couple of times & I just don't feel like any bonds are being formed.
I will stick with my regular therapist. She is amazing.
I miss you so much Dad.
I can't even begin to describe it. There truly are no words that could ever really express the depths of this grief.
Your name was put on your grave. I know that's where your physical body lays but just seeing it, made it real all over again.
Robert was there when the guy did it. I'm sure you wouldn't be surprised by that. I wasn't. He was always there for you. Had it not been so early in the morning I would have went to but you know me Dad, I love my sleep. I did go later in the afternoon & I have to say, it came out nice.
There are so many things approaching that you should be here for. Nicole's 20th birthday, Thanksgiving, your birthday, Christmas.
I hate that the 6 month mark without you falls on Nicole's birthday.
I will try my hardest not to think about it too much. As I know you wouldn't want me to be sad on such a special day.
As always, please continue to guide me, please visit in my dreams.
You are & always will be in my heart.
Until we meet again - I love you Dad.
I haven't written in a little while because I had no access on my computer. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about you or wanted to write.
I'm posting this by using my phone. I hope it works.
I had a rough day last Thursday. When people say grief comes in waves they sure weren't kidding.
I was supposed to go to the bereavement group but decided I'm not going to attend that anymore. It's been very choppy, cancelled a couple of times & I just don't feel like any bonds are being formed.
I will stick with my regular therapist. She is amazing.
I miss you so much Dad.
I can't even begin to describe it. There truly are no words that could ever really express the depths of this grief.
Your name was put on your grave. I know that's where your physical body lays but just seeing it, made it real all over again.
Robert was there when the guy did it. I'm sure you wouldn't be surprised by that. I wasn't. He was always there for you. Had it not been so early in the morning I would have went to but you know me Dad, I love my sleep. I did go later in the afternoon & I have to say, it came out nice.
There are so many things approaching that you should be here for. Nicole's 20th birthday, Thanksgiving, your birthday, Christmas.
I hate that the 6 month mark without you falls on Nicole's birthday.
I will try my hardest not to think about it too much. As I know you wouldn't want me to be sad on such a special day.
As always, please continue to guide me, please visit in my dreams.
You are & always will be in my heart.
Until we meet again - I love you Dad.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Cardinals make it to the World Series !!!
I woke up this morning to see a text msg from Keith. I can't say Im surprised by it but was so so happy to read that the Cardinals made it to the world series.
Im not much of a sports girl but that makes my heart happy !
I know how happy it would make you Dad.
I just know they will win. After all they have one of their biggest fans watching from above.
Miss you like crazy, not a day goes by without you on my mind.
I will love you forever !
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Grateful for the memories
Im not really sure where to start other then to say, I have been thiking about you A LOT lately.
There are some things going on in my life & even Nicole's that I wish I could share with you.
I'd love to hear what you'd say all though, knowing you as well as I did, Im pretty sure I could come up with the answers.
Nik got a new job that she started yesterday. She is working at a puppy store right in Bellmore.
Now I know you would be so happy it's in Bellmore as she wouldn't be "driving all over the god damn place". And you would also say "lets see how long she holds onto this one". "That kid has had more damn jobs then anyone I know" would prob be added to that.
I laugh as I write that because what a gift it truly is to have known you SO well, that I could still hear what your responses would be.
I have a few changes going on in my own life. Nothing that I want to write about publically just yet but I know you would be happy.
I know you would agree & I know you would be proud.
That alone, makes me feel good.
Just please continue to bless me with the feeling of your presence.
Please continue to guide me & give me the strength that I need to live this life without you.
I was talking to Janet yesterady ( my therapist) & I told her that I was afraid I was going to forget you.
THAT makes me cry just typing that.
It's just that one person in particular doesn't want to hear about you "all the time". Another person told me not to go to the cemetery as often as I do & someone else told me to stop posting pics of you.
It's as if to them, when someone dies, they are just completetly gone.
That will NEVER be the case with us Dad.
And I know I could never really ever forget you.
I think Im just afraid of forgetting your voice - which makes no sense considering all the video's I have ( thanks to Robert) or just forgetting all the memories we shared.
With the holidays quickly approaching, Im feeling very anxious.
I just want to skip them all together but I know I can't do that to Nicole.
I will always make sure Robert is not alone. Even if that means it's just him & I celebrating.
"Celebrating" - how can we possibly celebrate anything this first year without you?
Nothing will ever be the same.
And I know you would tell me "Nothing lasts forever".
I just wish you were still here with us. Because this "new" life without you, hurts like hell.
There are some things going on in my life & even Nicole's that I wish I could share with you.
I'd love to hear what you'd say all though, knowing you as well as I did, Im pretty sure I could come up with the answers.
Nik got a new job that she started yesterday. She is working at a puppy store right in Bellmore.
Now I know you would be so happy it's in Bellmore as she wouldn't be "driving all over the god damn place". And you would also say "lets see how long she holds onto this one". "That kid has had more damn jobs then anyone I know" would prob be added to that.
I laugh as I write that because what a gift it truly is to have known you SO well, that I could still hear what your responses would be.
I have a few changes going on in my own life. Nothing that I want to write about publically just yet but I know you would be happy.
I know you would agree & I know you would be proud.
That alone, makes me feel good.
Just please continue to bless me with the feeling of your presence.
Please continue to guide me & give me the strength that I need to live this life without you.
I was talking to Janet yesterady ( my therapist) & I told her that I was afraid I was going to forget you.
THAT makes me cry just typing that.
It's just that one person in particular doesn't want to hear about you "all the time". Another person told me not to go to the cemetery as often as I do & someone else told me to stop posting pics of you.
It's as if to them, when someone dies, they are just completetly gone.
That will NEVER be the case with us Dad.
And I know I could never really ever forget you.
I think Im just afraid of forgetting your voice - which makes no sense considering all the video's I have ( thanks to Robert) or just forgetting all the memories we shared.
With the holidays quickly approaching, Im feeling very anxious.
I just want to skip them all together but I know I can't do that to Nicole.
I will always make sure Robert is not alone. Even if that means it's just him & I celebrating.
"Celebrating" - how can we possibly celebrate anything this first year without you?
Nothing will ever be the same.
And I know you would tell me "Nothing lasts forever".
I just wish you were still here with us. Because this "new" life without you, hurts like hell.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
4 Months Without You
Today is September 24th.
That means that today marks 4 months without you.
4 months.
Seems like such a long time but I know it's really not.
It's just been TOO long since I've seen you ( not pictures of you but YOU ), it's been too long since I've heard your voice, kissed your head, held your hand.
Words just don't do any justice when trying to explain the depth of this hurt.
The 24th always reminded me of Nicole. As she was born on Novemeber 24th.
Now it's a bittersweet date.
In fact, on Nicole's 20th birthday, you will be gone for 6 months. That's half a year !
Im really not looking forward to the holidays.
Im dreading them.
I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think of them.
I know Im not alone in this.
I know the first of everything is hard.
Nothing is the same.
And Im not surprised.
Your presence was so strong, your absence maybe even stronger.
Please continue to guide me, to give me strength & to show your signs.
I need them Dad.
But I def need you more.
Happy 4 Months in Heaven. I hope you're having a ball
I love you more then words.
Forever
That means that today marks 4 months without you.
4 months.
Seems like such a long time but I know it's really not.
It's just been TOO long since I've seen you ( not pictures of you but YOU ), it's been too long since I've heard your voice, kissed your head, held your hand.
Words just don't do any justice when trying to explain the depth of this hurt.
The 24th always reminded me of Nicole. As she was born on Novemeber 24th.
Now it's a bittersweet date.
In fact, on Nicole's 20th birthday, you will be gone for 6 months. That's half a year !
Im really not looking forward to the holidays.
Im dreading them.
I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think of them.
I know Im not alone in this.
I know the first of everything is hard.
Nothing is the same.
And Im not surprised.
Your presence was so strong, your absence maybe even stronger.
Please continue to guide me, to give me strength & to show your signs.
I need them Dad.
But I def need you more.
Happy 4 Months in Heaven. I hope you're having a ball
I love you more then words.
Forever
Monday, September 22, 2014
Missing you so much
When people say grief comes in waves, they sure weren't kidding.
Although you are on my mind so often, I am still taken back by the overwhelming feelings of sadness & of missing you.
Today happens to be one of those moments where the pain feels so intense.
As if everything happened only yesterday.
I know I need to be more patient with myself ( I've heard that from quite a few people. Easier said then done).
I know it's only been 4 months. Well 4 months in 2 days.
And that really 4 months isn't a whole lot of time.
I wish I could find the right words to REALLY express how I feel but there aren't any.
Im not in denial, I know that for sure.
Im not neccessarily angry. I know you were suffering towards the end & how could I possibly be angry that you no longer are?
I know I AM sad & yes, depressed but Im trying so God damn hard to just keep pushing forward.
I guess some days are easier to do that then others.
And I think the moments of sadness that I feel are so frigen intense they physically hurt.
You really were my "go to" guy. My friend, my buddy.
The one who would ALWAYS listen & ALWAYS give me the best advice you could.
You were NEVER too busy for me.
You were always willing to help me in any way you possibly could. It didn't matter in what capacity. Wether it be an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on.
I'm grateful that we shared the relationship we did.
Because of that, I know everything you would tell me to do.
I just wish I could hear you speak the words.
I know someone doesn't want to hear me speak of you "all the time".
It breaks my heart.
I cannot get into details on here but I pray this person comes to realize how important it is to me to talk about you.
I had the bereavment group once. The following week the counselor was sick & this week is the jewish holiday so we don't meet.
I can't tell just yet if it's going to help but I'm holding onto hope that it will.
As always, I miss you Dad.
And I really wish this was just one horrible nightmare.
Because that's sure how it feels.
Although you are on my mind so often, I am still taken back by the overwhelming feelings of sadness & of missing you.
Today happens to be one of those moments where the pain feels so intense.
As if everything happened only yesterday.
I know I need to be more patient with myself ( I've heard that from quite a few people. Easier said then done).
I know it's only been 4 months. Well 4 months in 2 days.
And that really 4 months isn't a whole lot of time.
I wish I could find the right words to REALLY express how I feel but there aren't any.
Im not in denial, I know that for sure.
Im not neccessarily angry. I know you were suffering towards the end & how could I possibly be angry that you no longer are?
I know I AM sad & yes, depressed but Im trying so God damn hard to just keep pushing forward.
I guess some days are easier to do that then others.
And I think the moments of sadness that I feel are so frigen intense they physically hurt.
You really were my "go to" guy. My friend, my buddy.
The one who would ALWAYS listen & ALWAYS give me the best advice you could.
You were NEVER too busy for me.
You were always willing to help me in any way you possibly could. It didn't matter in what capacity. Wether it be an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on.
I'm grateful that we shared the relationship we did.
Because of that, I know everything you would tell me to do.
I just wish I could hear you speak the words.
I know someone doesn't want to hear me speak of you "all the time".
It breaks my heart.
I cannot get into details on here but I pray this person comes to realize how important it is to me to talk about you.
I had the bereavment group once. The following week the counselor was sick & this week is the jewish holiday so we don't meet.
I can't tell just yet if it's going to help but I'm holding onto hope that it will.
As always, I miss you Dad.
And I really wish this was just one horrible nightmare.
Because that's sure how it feels.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
This past weekend, Nicole, Robert & myself all went to Vermont to celebrate Robert's birthday & to spend some quality time together.
We had a really nice time & made memories that we will have forever.
I've learned to really value memories, as I know, in the end, that's all we really have.
Here are a couple of pics from the weekend.
ny of
We had a really nice time & made memories that we will have forever.
I've learned to really value memories, as I know, in the end, that's all we really have.
Here are a couple of pics from the weekend.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Remembering
Today is Sept 11th.
A day that nobody will ever forget.
A day that changed this world forever.
13 years ago yet it feels like only yesterday.
Tomorrow is Robert's 51st birthday.
Words can't describe how grateful I am that he didn't take that job where he was supposed to be at Windows of the world on this day 13 years ago.
I truly believe his mother was his guardian angel. I don't believe in coincedences.
I believe in fate & I've always believed in angels.
Tomorrow, Robert, Nicole & I are heading to Vermont.
To celebrate his birthday & to spend some quality time together.
I know you would be so happy about that.
Last year you & him attempted to go but you didn't feel well & you came home.
Tomorrow we will go & we will not only celebrate his birthday but we will also remember the times you were there & the memories you & he ( and Nicole) shared there.
As always, I miss you Dad.
And tonight I start my first bereavment group.
I'm looking forward to being around other people who understand the magnitude of this loss. The loss of a parent.
I have an amazing group of people who I know love me & who would do just about anything for me. Thank God for them, they have been my angels here on earth. I am blessed to have them & beyond grateful for their constant love & support.
But there is something different about being with people who have been through it, who really truly "get it".
And these new people who I haven't met yet are at the same point that I'm at.
We're all about 3 months into this grief process.
Oh how I wish you were coming with us tomorrow. But I know you will be with us in spirit & I know you would be smiling to see the 3 of us spending time together. And I know you would be happy that Robert will be with 2 people who love him so much on his birthday.
As the world reflects back on this day, I will also reflect back on all the amazing memories we shared. And I will always always always remember you with love.
A day that nobody will ever forget.
A day that changed this world forever.
13 years ago yet it feels like only yesterday.
Tomorrow is Robert's 51st birthday.
Words can't describe how grateful I am that he didn't take that job where he was supposed to be at Windows of the world on this day 13 years ago.
I truly believe his mother was his guardian angel. I don't believe in coincedences.
I believe in fate & I've always believed in angels.
Tomorrow, Robert, Nicole & I are heading to Vermont.
To celebrate his birthday & to spend some quality time together.
I know you would be so happy about that.
Last year you & him attempted to go but you didn't feel well & you came home.
Tomorrow we will go & we will not only celebrate his birthday but we will also remember the times you were there & the memories you & he ( and Nicole) shared there.
As always, I miss you Dad.
And tonight I start my first bereavment group.
I'm looking forward to being around other people who understand the magnitude of this loss. The loss of a parent.
I have an amazing group of people who I know love me & who would do just about anything for me. Thank God for them, they have been my angels here on earth. I am blessed to have them & beyond grateful for their constant love & support.
But there is something different about being with people who have been through it, who really truly "get it".
And these new people who I haven't met yet are at the same point that I'm at.
We're all about 3 months into this grief process.
Oh how I wish you were coming with us tomorrow. But I know you will be with us in spirit & I know you would be smiling to see the 3 of us spending time together. And I know you would be happy that Robert will be with 2 people who love him so much on his birthday.
As the world reflects back on this day, I will also reflect back on all the amazing memories we shared. And I will always always always remember you with love.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
"Those" moments...
I miss you Dad.
So so much, it physically hurts.
I've had some of "those" moments.
The ones when something happens, good or bad & I want to call you.
The ones that are like a kick to the stomach. They can bring you to your knees.
I miss your voice.
I miss your advice.
I miss your daily calls.
I miss so many things about you Dad.
Things I never even thought of before you were gone.
I begin a bereavment group next week.
I have nothing to lose by going & seeing how it goes.
Maybe I'll find some comfort there, who knows.
The only thing I'm sure of is that this pain is not getting any easier to deal with.
Im trying to continue living as you would want me to do.
Im trying to be a better person as I now know all too well how quickly life can change. How quickly the people we love can be gone from our lives.
But Im also struggling. That is the truth. Not struggling like I did in the past. Thank God. Im just having a hard time without you. Im going through the motions as Im expected to do.
It's like living with a constant broken heart.
And it will never be whole again. Not until we are all reunited & we never have to say goodbye again.
Forever in heart Dad.
So so much, it physically hurts.
I've had some of "those" moments.
The ones when something happens, good or bad & I want to call you.
The ones that are like a kick to the stomach. They can bring you to your knees.
I miss your voice.
I miss your advice.
I miss your daily calls.
I miss so many things about you Dad.
Things I never even thought of before you were gone.
I begin a bereavment group next week.
I have nothing to lose by going & seeing how it goes.
Maybe I'll find some comfort there, who knows.
The only thing I'm sure of is that this pain is not getting any easier to deal with.
Im trying to continue living as you would want me to do.
Im trying to be a better person as I now know all too well how quickly life can change. How quickly the people we love can be gone from our lives.
But Im also struggling. That is the truth. Not struggling like I did in the past. Thank God. Im just having a hard time without you. Im going through the motions as Im expected to do.
It's like living with a constant broken heart.
And it will never be whole again. Not until we are all reunited & we never have to say goodbye again.
Forever in heart Dad.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Cancer steals another life
Just a little while ago, I found out about the passing of yet, another good man.
Doug Hollinsworth was the father to someone I considered a best friend for many years.
Although a decent amount of time has gone by since her & I have been close, my heart still hurts for her. For her mother, her brother & the rest of their family.
The God Damn Cancer strikes again !
It is truly heartbreaking & there are no words that can ever ease the heartache.
Of course when I hear of something like this, especially the loss of a father, I think of you Dad.
This kicks up a lot of different emotions.
The sadness, the loss, the pain, it all comes rushing back.
I wish them peace in this difficult time. I wish them comfort in knowing he is no longer suffering.
But to the person going through this awful time, none of those things can really help.
The loss of a parent is so great. They are the only people who have known you your whole life & love you uncondtionally. They stand by you & support you no matter what.
Well that's what good parents do. And Doug was an amazing father.
I know Kerry's heart is shattered right now. Her entire world turned upside down.
Just as I loved you will everything I had, I know Kerry loved her father just the same.
Here is a family who just a few short years ago, lost their daughter, Kerry & Alex's sister to a very untimely death.
Life just isn't fair.
I'm learning that quickly.
I pray for them.
And I miss you so very much Dad.
Doug was only 63 years old.
I had almost another 20 years with you.
I am grateful for that.
Doug Hollinsworth was the father to someone I considered a best friend for many years.
Although a decent amount of time has gone by since her & I have been close, my heart still hurts for her. For her mother, her brother & the rest of their family.
The God Damn Cancer strikes again !
It is truly heartbreaking & there are no words that can ever ease the heartache.
Of course when I hear of something like this, especially the loss of a father, I think of you Dad.
This kicks up a lot of different emotions.
The sadness, the loss, the pain, it all comes rushing back.
I wish them peace in this difficult time. I wish them comfort in knowing he is no longer suffering.
But to the person going through this awful time, none of those things can really help.
The loss of a parent is so great. They are the only people who have known you your whole life & love you uncondtionally. They stand by you & support you no matter what.
Well that's what good parents do. And Doug was an amazing father.
I know Kerry's heart is shattered right now. Her entire world turned upside down.
Just as I loved you will everything I had, I know Kerry loved her father just the same.
Here is a family who just a few short years ago, lost their daughter, Kerry & Alex's sister to a very untimely death.
Life just isn't fair.
I'm learning that quickly.
I pray for them.
And I miss you so very much Dad.
Doug was only 63 years old.
I had almost another 20 years with you.
I am grateful for that.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
All 4 of us
Dear Dad,
Im writing this as if you can read it.
In 3 days it will be 3 months since you left this world.
It feels like only yesterday but also feels like a lifetime.
I miss you more with each day that passes & I know for a fact that all of your children, all 4 of us are really feeling your absence. For some reason, this week in particular.
Im going to get a new car today. And that's only possible because of a little help from you !
Why am I not surprised that even now, even today, you're STILL helping me?
Taking any money from what you left me, breaks my heart. I would give anything to have YOU rather then any money or any car.
But I know you would want me to be safe. I know you would want me in something reliable.
And we spoke about the car sitaution before you passed. You're words were "You're gonna need a car, you can "rent" them for cheap" ( what you meant was lease but I understood)
I have been having some crazy dreams lately. And you've been in most of them. Im not sure what they mean other then you are always on my mind.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to talk to you, to thank you for your help. I cannot believe how big your tomatoe plant has gotten and your pepper plant too.
I even took pictures & will upload them onto here later.
I love you Dad. And I miss you. SO So much !
Please continue to watch over us & guide us.
Until we meet again - you will always remain in my heart !
xoxoxoxoxo
Im writing this as if you can read it.
In 3 days it will be 3 months since you left this world.
It feels like only yesterday but also feels like a lifetime.
I miss you more with each day that passes & I know for a fact that all of your children, all 4 of us are really feeling your absence. For some reason, this week in particular.
Im going to get a new car today. And that's only possible because of a little help from you !
Why am I not surprised that even now, even today, you're STILL helping me?
Taking any money from what you left me, breaks my heart. I would give anything to have YOU rather then any money or any car.
But I know you would want me to be safe. I know you would want me in something reliable.
And we spoke about the car sitaution before you passed. You're words were "You're gonna need a car, you can "rent" them for cheap" ( what you meant was lease but I understood)
I have been having some crazy dreams lately. And you've been in most of them. Im not sure what they mean other then you are always on my mind.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to talk to you, to thank you for your help. I cannot believe how big your tomatoe plant has gotten and your pepper plant too.
I even took pictures & will upload them onto here later.
I love you Dad. And I miss you. SO So much !
Please continue to watch over us & guide us.
Until we meet again - you will always remain in my heart !
xoxoxoxoxo
Monday, August 18, 2014
One more time
There's nothing I wouldn't give to have one more conversation with you.
To see you one more time, to hear your voice in person, to just be in your company.
My heart hurts so bad.
I am trying my best to keep going forward.
Im trying my best to make you proud.
Words alone could never express this heartache.
It can be so overwhelming at times & I fear that as time goes on, it will only get worse.
I can't believe we're approaching 3 months without you.
It still feels like yesterday but also feels like so much longer. Im sure that would only make sense to someone that lost a person that they loved so much.
I try to find comfort in knowing that you are no longer suffering.
But that's not always easy.
Because I know some of us are left to suffer without you.
I hope I made you just as proud to call me your daughter as I was to call you my father.
I miss you so so much !
And I'd love to hear you say "I love you too kid" one more time.
I am however, very grateful that those were some of the last words we spoke to each other.
Always & Forever in my heart !!!!
To see you one more time, to hear your voice in person, to just be in your company.
My heart hurts so bad.
I am trying my best to keep going forward.
Im trying my best to make you proud.
Words alone could never express this heartache.
It can be so overwhelming at times & I fear that as time goes on, it will only get worse.
I can't believe we're approaching 3 months without you.
It still feels like yesterday but also feels like so much longer. Im sure that would only make sense to someone that lost a person that they loved so much.
I try to find comfort in knowing that you are no longer suffering.
But that's not always easy.
Because I know some of us are left to suffer without you.
I hope I made you just as proud to call me your daughter as I was to call you my father.
I miss you so so much !
And I'd love to hear you say "I love you too kid" one more time.
I am however, very grateful that those were some of the last words we spoke to each other.
Always & Forever in my heart !!!!
Friday, August 8, 2014
Missing you Dad
It's Friday morning, Im sitting here at work thinking about you Dad.
I miss you so much - more with each day that passes.
People say "Time heals all wounds" - I call bullshit on that.
Yesterday, Nicole, Robert & I had dinner together. There's no doubt that you would have been so happy to know that.
Thank God for Robert.
He has been a HUGE source of comfort & support for me. No surpise, I know.
I'd just like to think that I have helped him in some sort of way as well.
I plan to go to the cemetery either today or tomorrow.
You would be so amazed at how well your tomatoe plant is doing there.
Who knows, maybe you CAN see it ?
I love you & miss you more then I could ever explain.
I miss you so much - more with each day that passes.
People say "Time heals all wounds" - I call bullshit on that.
Yesterday, Nicole, Robert & I had dinner together. There's no doubt that you would have been so happy to know that.
Thank God for Robert.
He has been a HUGE source of comfort & support for me. No surpise, I know.
I'd just like to think that I have helped him in some sort of way as well.
I plan to go to the cemetery either today or tomorrow.
You would be so amazed at how well your tomatoe plant is doing there.
Who knows, maybe you CAN see it ?
I love you & miss you more then I could ever explain.
Monday, July 28, 2014
RIP my Godfather
Where to begin?
I HATE CANCER !!!!
It has now taken ANOTHER family member. My Uncle, my Godfather.
My Father & Godfather all in 2 months.
My heart is breaking for my Aunt & my cousins.
This kicks up so much shit for me.
I am truly hurting & I cannot find ANY reason why people have to suffer with this awful disease.
Rest In Peace Uncle Bob.
I will always remember the trips to Va.
The pool, your winabago that I called your castle, the trip to Fla.
I will always remember your kindness & your smile that could light up a room.
Please continue to watch over Aunt Janice, your children & of course your grandchildren.
You will be missed by many.
Im so sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
I hope my father was there to greet you & that the 2 of you can now catch up on years gone by.
Until we all meet again, you will always be in my heart.
I HATE CANCER !!!!
It has now taken ANOTHER family member. My Uncle, my Godfather.
My Father & Godfather all in 2 months.
My heart is breaking for my Aunt & my cousins.
This kicks up so much shit for me.
I am truly hurting & I cannot find ANY reason why people have to suffer with this awful disease.
Rest In Peace Uncle Bob.
I will always remember the trips to Va.
The pool, your winabago that I called your castle, the trip to Fla.
I will always remember your kindness & your smile that could light up a room.
Please continue to watch over Aunt Janice, your children & of course your grandchildren.
You will be missed by many.
Im so sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
I hope my father was there to greet you & that the 2 of you can now catch up on years gone by.
Until we all meet again, you will always be in my heart.
Friday, July 25, 2014
"Simply The Best"
I got this picture sent to me from Laurie ( Colleen's daughter) and she wrote "He simply was the best".
She didn't have to tell me that, I've always known it :)
This is Sarah painting your face to make you look like a cat.
I wonder if you knew just how many people loved you, what an impact you had on so many lives & how many of us thought you were the best.
You were always a fan of little kids, it was the teenagers who could drive you nuts ( you & everyone else Dad....lol)
Waking up to this was a great way to start the day.
She didn't have to tell me that, I've always known it :)
This is Sarah painting your face to make you look like a cat.
I wonder if you knew just how many people loved you, what an impact you had on so many lives & how many of us thought you were the best.
You were always a fan of little kids, it was the teenagers who could drive you nuts ( you & everyone else Dad....lol)
Waking up to this was a great way to start the day.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
2 months
2 months ago today, you left this world & mine has been forever changed.
I can't say I haven't heard your voice in 2 months because I still have voicemails & of course all of the videos that Robert shot.
I can't say I haven't "felt" you because I know I did the other day in church.
But I can say, I miss you !
I miss you so much that it truly physically hurts.
I would give anything for one more conversation, one more kiss goodbye, one more hug, one more request for some scratch off's, a buttered roll, a cup of coffee.
I went to the cemetery yesterday & as expected, I cried.
I also watered your tomatoe plant (which by the way is doing great!)
And as always, I kissed your headstone when I was leaving.
I always kissed your farhead when I was leaving.
Now I kiss a granite stone.
Big difference.
I have been writing on here for a little while now yet none of the words I write could ever really express what Im feeling.
It's a pain that can't be put into words.
I can only hope & pray that you know how deeply you are missed.
I was going through the box of stuff that Robert gave me & I was blown away by all the little things you saved.
Just another reminder of how much you loved us.
I love you Dad & Miss you more then anything !
I can't say I haven't heard your voice in 2 months because I still have voicemails & of course all of the videos that Robert shot.
I can't say I haven't "felt" you because I know I did the other day in church.
But I can say, I miss you !
I miss you so much that it truly physically hurts.
I would give anything for one more conversation, one more kiss goodbye, one more hug, one more request for some scratch off's, a buttered roll, a cup of coffee.
I went to the cemetery yesterday & as expected, I cried.
I also watered your tomatoe plant (which by the way is doing great!)
And as always, I kissed your headstone when I was leaving.
I always kissed your farhead when I was leaving.
Now I kiss a granite stone.
Big difference.
I have been writing on here for a little while now yet none of the words I write could ever really express what Im feeling.
It's a pain that can't be put into words.
I can only hope & pray that you know how deeply you are missed.
I was going through the box of stuff that Robert gave me & I was blown away by all the little things you saved.
Just another reminder of how much you loved us.
I love you Dad & Miss you more then anything !
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
2 months tomorrow !
Tomorrow will be 2 months without you.
TWO months !
I have never gone 2 weeks without talking to you nevermind 2 months.
I'm finding that as time goes on, the pain gets greater.
Yes, I have my "good" days but Im REALLY REALLY missing you Dad.
So many things I want to talk to you about.
So many times I've gone to call you only to realize I can no longer do that, it's like a kick to the stomach.
In this moment, Im stressing out & not that you could "fix" the problem, you would talk me through it.
I look around at some of the people in my life who as grown adults still depend on their parents & I get angry.
Maybe jealousy is a better word.
I think I'm going to "visit" you today.
I'll just sit & talk & cry to you.
Maybe I'll leave feeling better.
That's what Im hoping for because today just sucks.
TWO months !
I have never gone 2 weeks without talking to you nevermind 2 months.
I'm finding that as time goes on, the pain gets greater.
Yes, I have my "good" days but Im REALLY REALLY missing you Dad.
So many things I want to talk to you about.
So many times I've gone to call you only to realize I can no longer do that, it's like a kick to the stomach.
In this moment, Im stressing out & not that you could "fix" the problem, you would talk me through it.
I look around at some of the people in my life who as grown adults still depend on their parents & I get angry.
Maybe jealousy is a better word.
I think I'm going to "visit" you today.
I'll just sit & talk & cry to you.
Maybe I'll leave feeling better.
That's what Im hoping for because today just sucks.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Feeling your presence
Today was/is a hard day.
I just got back from the funeral of my co-worker.
But I FINALLY felt your presence Dad.
I TRULY TRULY did.
It was calming, I embraced it.
Please continue to bless me with that.
I need it.
I was sitting in the church & as they played all the songs I wish I would have had played for you, I felt you.
Maybe some people would think Im crazy but I know what I felt.
Love you Dad - AlWAYS
I just got back from the funeral of my co-worker.
But I FINALLY felt your presence Dad.
I TRULY TRULY did.
It was calming, I embraced it.
Please continue to bless me with that.
I need it.
I was sitting in the church & as they played all the songs I wish I would have had played for you, I felt you.
Maybe some people would think Im crazy but I know what I felt.
Love you Dad - AlWAYS
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Finally Saw A Cardinal !
FINALLY !!!!
I FINALLY saw my cardinal !
No, not the one on my leg :)
Yesterday as I was walking back into work, I saw him. So red, so beautiful.
I actually yelled "LOOK AT THE CARDINAL !!!"
The guys outside prob thought I was crazy but that's ok.
I felt like it was a sign from you.
Maybe you telling me you see my new tattoo.
Maybe you trying to tell me to have some patience.
Im not sure but Im sure glad I finally saw one.
With me everyday Dad.
I miss you like crazy, my heart is still hurting, Im thinking that it always will.
Until we meet again
xoxoxoxoxoxo
I FINALLY saw my cardinal !
No, not the one on my leg :)
Yesterday as I was walking back into work, I saw him. So red, so beautiful.
I actually yelled "LOOK AT THE CARDINAL !!!"
The guys outside prob thought I was crazy but that's ok.
I felt like it was a sign from you.
Maybe you telling me you see my new tattoo.
Maybe you trying to tell me to have some patience.
Im not sure but Im sure glad I finally saw one.
With me everyday Dad.
I miss you like crazy, my heart is still hurting, Im thinking that it always will.
Until we meet again
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Monday, July 14, 2014
Dad's Tat
Well Dad, I did it. I know you would be calling it "god damn grafitti" but I had to.
As I carry you in my heart, always. Now you are on my leg :)
Miss you more with each day that passes.
This past weekend we lost a co-worker & a friend.
Only 42 years old. And leaves behind a 2 small children & a wife.
I can hear what you would say.
How when the old go, you have to make room for the young. But even you would say, that's a shame, he was too young, and he was.
I couldn't flip it :)
As I carry you in my heart, always. Now you are on my leg :)
Miss you more with each day that passes.
This past weekend we lost a co-worker & a friend.
Only 42 years old. And leaves behind a 2 small children & a wife.
I can hear what you would say.
How when the old go, you have to make room for the young. But even you would say, that's a shame, he was too young, and he was.
I couldn't flip it :)
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Another Dad poem
It's one of "those" days.
I have decided, after to talking to some of co-workers, that I am not going to attend my co workers father's wake.
I just can't do it.
I don't want to be the girl balling her eyes out & everyone wondering why.
I also don't think that's fair to Michelle.
I will write her a card.
But I've been writing about you too Dad.
I can't put into words how badly your absence hurts.
It physically hurts my heart.
I write on here like you can actually read it :)
But I just wrote this for you.
( Yes, at work .....oh well)
As the days goes by I only miss you more.
I cry so much & it hurts to my core.
You were so much more then just my Dad
You were my friend, my rock, all that I had.
There are so many days I want to talk to you
But that’s no longer something that we can do.
Yes, I speak to you when Im all alone
But I miss your voice on the other end of the phone.
They say “time will heal” the pain in my heart
But I know that’s not true because we are apart.
I think of you in the mornings, before I start my day
And I ask you for your guidance in any sort of way
I think about you later at night, when one of us would call
And it always makes me sad to know I can’t do that afterall.
I’d give anything for one more talk, just any little thing
But I’ll always have the smiles that your memory always brings.
I have decided, after to talking to some of co-workers, that I am not going to attend my co workers father's wake.
I just can't do it.
I don't want to be the girl balling her eyes out & everyone wondering why.
I also don't think that's fair to Michelle.
I will write her a card.
But I've been writing about you too Dad.
I can't put into words how badly your absence hurts.
It physically hurts my heart.
I write on here like you can actually read it :)
But I just wrote this for you.
( Yes, at work .....oh well)
As the days goes by I only miss you more.
I cry so much & it hurts to my core.
You were so much more then just my Dad
You were my friend, my rock, all that I had.
There are so many days I want to talk to you
But that’s no longer something that we can do.
Yes, I speak to you when Im all alone
But I miss your voice on the other end of the phone.
They say “time will heal” the pain in my heart
But I know that’s not true because we are apart.
I think of you in the mornings, before I start my day
And I ask you for your guidance in any sort of way
I think about you later at night, when one of us would call
And it always makes me sad to know I can’t do that afterall.
I’d give anything for one more talk, just any little thing
But I’ll always have the smiles that your memory always brings.
Hate death
On Monday, another co-workers father died.
Today is the wake & I am so nervous to attend.
I actually have knots in my stomach.
I feel bad not going, as she came to yours.
My friends here are telling me I don't have to go but I feel like I do.
I also feel like I'm supposed to be "over" grieving you.
I don't know why.
Not one person has even implied this.
Last night I cried myself to sleep.
It was just a bad day.
I physically feel your absence & it hurts like hell.
I was talking to you a lot last night - even as I was trying to fall asleep.
I was asking you to please watch over me & please give me strength.
Im at work & would rather be in my bed.
Within the last year, 5 of us at work have lost our Dad's.
So sad
Today is the wake & I am so nervous to attend.
I actually have knots in my stomach.
I feel bad not going, as she came to yours.
My friends here are telling me I don't have to go but I feel like I do.
I also feel like I'm supposed to be "over" grieving you.
I don't know why.
Not one person has even implied this.
Last night I cried myself to sleep.
It was just a bad day.
I physically feel your absence & it hurts like hell.
I was talking to you a lot last night - even as I was trying to fall asleep.
I was asking you to please watch over me & please give me strength.
Im at work & would rather be in my bed.
Within the last year, 5 of us at work have lost our Dad's.
So sad
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Dad's Eulogy
I don't think I posted my eulogy to you Dad & before I lose it, Im going to post it here.
I am also going to post the poem that Nicole read.
From what I was told, we both did a good job. Im shocked that we made it through without breaking down. I wonder who it was that was holding us up :)
This was mine.
On May 24th, my family lost not only a father, a grandfather & a brother. We also lost a friend.
For me, my father was my biggest supporter, my rock, my biggest fan.
He stood by me no matter what & always reassured me that his children came first.
For those of you who knew my dad , you knew he was a classic, a one of a kind. Our very own Archie Bunker.
But no matter how rough around the edges as he may have seemed, no matter how dry his sense of humor was or how sarcastic he could be. My father had the most loving, caring & loyal heart.
Dad didn't "pull any punches", he sad it like he saw it and was always a "straight shooter".
So much of who I am is because of him & I am not just lucky but grateful.
I remember having a conversation with him about never getting the chance to walk me down the aisle. I said "you never got to give me away" and he replied with "who ever said I wanted to give you away?"
Just the other day he told me " as long as god makes apples, I love you"
It's moments like these that I will carry with me forever
Nothing. Not death, not cancer can take away our memories. And I know I have a enough memories to last me a lifetime
Thank you Dad.
Thank you for being the man that you were
I still can't seem to find one just like you :)
Thank you for loving Nicole and I as much as you did. You gave us both more then you will ever know. While I was working and going to school, you spent endless hours with her. And in those years, the 2 of you created a bond that could never fully be expressed in words
I know just how much you both meant to one another & I am so grateful for the 19 years you had together.
She will always be your "meatball" & you will always be her "pop-pop"
Until we met again Dad, please watch over us.
I'll "keep an eye on the house" & "hold down the fort"
If you asked me today "ya think you'll ever go back?" I would tell you yes. If only to tell you one more time how much I love you.
And this is the poem Nicole read which was sent to me from Erin's Mom. It's a poem that they have read at Erin's grandparent's funerals. It is beautiful & so very true.
We Remember Them
In the rising of the sun and its going down,
We Remember Them.
In the bowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We Remember Them.
In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring.
We Remember Them.
In the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer,
We Remember Them.
In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn.
We Remember Them.
In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We Remember Them.
When we are weary and in need of strength,
We Remember Them.
When we are lost and sick of heart,
We Remember Them.
When we have joys and special celebrations we yearn to share,
We Remember Them.
So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are part of us.
We Remember Them.
I am also going to post the poem that Nicole read.
From what I was told, we both did a good job. Im shocked that we made it through without breaking down. I wonder who it was that was holding us up :)
This was mine.
On May 24th, my family lost not only a father, a grandfather & a brother. We also lost a friend.
For me, my father was my biggest supporter, my rock, my biggest fan.
He stood by me no matter what & always reassured me that his children came first.
For those of you who knew my dad , you knew he was a classic, a one of a kind. Our very own Archie Bunker.
But no matter how rough around the edges as he may have seemed, no matter how dry his sense of humor was or how sarcastic he could be. My father had the most loving, caring & loyal heart.
Dad didn't "pull any punches", he sad it like he saw it and was always a "straight shooter".
So much of who I am is because of him & I am not just lucky but grateful.
I remember having a conversation with him about never getting the chance to walk me down the aisle. I said "you never got to give me away" and he replied with "who ever said I wanted to give you away?"
Just the other day he told me " as long as god makes apples, I love you"
It's moments like these that I will carry with me forever
Nothing. Not death, not cancer can take away our memories. And I know I have a enough memories to last me a lifetime
Thank you Dad.
Thank you for being the man that you were
I still can't seem to find one just like you :)
Thank you for loving Nicole and I as much as you did. You gave us both more then you will ever know. While I was working and going to school, you spent endless hours with her. And in those years, the 2 of you created a bond that could never fully be expressed in words
I know just how much you both meant to one another & I am so grateful for the 19 years you had together.
She will always be your "meatball" & you will always be her "pop-pop"
Until we met again Dad, please watch over us.
I'll "keep an eye on the house" & "hold down the fort"
If you asked me today "ya think you'll ever go back?" I would tell you yes. If only to tell you one more time how much I love you.
And this is the poem Nicole read which was sent to me from Erin's Mom. It's a poem that they have read at Erin's grandparent's funerals. It is beautiful & so very true.
We Remember Them
In the rising of the sun and its going down,
We Remember Them.
In the bowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We Remember Them.
In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring.
We Remember Them.
In the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer,
We Remember Them.
In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn.
We Remember Them.
In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We Remember Them.
When we are weary and in need of strength,
We Remember Them.
When we are lost and sick of heart,
We Remember Them.
When we have joys and special celebrations we yearn to share,
We Remember Them.
So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are part of us.
We Remember Them.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Where's my cardinal ???
Being that I have only shared this blog with a few number of people, I don't have to explain what a cardinal means to me or my family.
And in the month that Dad has been gone, I have yet to see one !
Not a single one !
Tracey shared another blog with me & demanded that I read it today..like right now !
And in this women's blog she also wrote about a cardinal.
She shared this, which has inspired me to write a second post today.
"A cardinal is representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means they are visiting you. They usually show up when you most need them or miss them. They also make an appearance during times of celebration as well as despair to let you know they will always be with you. Look for them, they'll appear."
Ok Dad, it's time to show me one.
Please !
og
And in the month that Dad has been gone, I have yet to see one !
Not a single one !
Tracey shared another blog with me & demanded that I read it today..like right now !
And in this women's blog she also wrote about a cardinal.
She shared this, which has inspired me to write a second post today.
"A cardinal is representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means they are visiting you. They usually show up when you most need them or miss them. They also make an appearance during times of celebration as well as despair to let you know they will always be with you. Look for them, they'll appear."
Ok Dad, it's time to show me one.
Please !
og
Unexpected tears
It's Monday morning & while driving into work, I heard asong on the radio that just brought me to tears.
It wasn't "thee" song that reminds me of you so I was a little taken back.
It's called " I hope you had the time of your life"
And I couldn't help but think of you.
On Thursday, after work, I met Robert over at the cemetery. We planted some flowers & of course Robert put down more soil & grass seed. He will continue to make sure you only have the best, Im not surprised.
I saw Danielle on Saturday & then invited my friend Keith & Robert over. Sadly, they have a lot in common. They have both been & continue to be the ones who have to deal with everything.
No doubt that both you & Keith's father are proud of both of them.
I said to someone the other day, maybe Erin or Danielle. That when Im having a good day, I think that's when you're with me. But I feel guilty. I feel guilty laughing, even though I know that's what you would want.
I don't want you to ever think that Im ok without you here because Im not.
Im just trying to do what you would want me to do, what you yourself had to do many times during your life.
I miss you Dad - I know I say that over & over but God I miss you so much !
It wasn't "thee" song that reminds me of you so I was a little taken back.
It's called " I hope you had the time of your life"
And I couldn't help but think of you.
On Thursday, after work, I met Robert over at the cemetery. We planted some flowers & of course Robert put down more soil & grass seed. He will continue to make sure you only have the best, Im not surprised.
I saw Danielle on Saturday & then invited my friend Keith & Robert over. Sadly, they have a lot in common. They have both been & continue to be the ones who have to deal with everything.
No doubt that both you & Keith's father are proud of both of them.
I said to someone the other day, maybe Erin or Danielle. That when Im having a good day, I think that's when you're with me. But I feel guilty. I feel guilty laughing, even though I know that's what you would want.
I don't want you to ever think that Im ok without you here because Im not.
Im just trying to do what you would want me to do, what you yourself had to do many times during your life.
I miss you Dad - I know I say that over & over but God I miss you so much !
Thursday, July 3, 2014
So Many Memories
I know you're watching over us, I know you ALWAYS WILL.
Yesterday I went to Briggs St.
I always find comfort there but yesterday I just went into your room, layed on your bed & cried my eyes out.
I needed to do that.
Of course Robert came in to see if I was ok & then asked me what I wanted for dinner.
Telling him I wasn't hungry wasn't working so I sat & ate some "famous" Robert salad.
I told him that I find so much comfort being with him. He is after all, the closest thing to you.
And he has this ability to make me laugh even when Im crying.
You raised 2 amazing men Dad.
They have really stepped up to the plate, you would be so proud.
Sam checks in with me, sending me messages that sound just like the things you would say.
Robert gave me a box of all the things you saved over the years. I was blown away !
You saved a ltl flower pot I made you in 1989 !
He gave me quite a few envelops of cards, letters, drawings & pictures you saved of both mine & Nicole's.
As Rob said " do you think you wrote him enough letters telling him how much you loved him & how grateful you were for him?" - We laughed but it also was just another reminder to me that I have no regrets with you. I am so happy that I not only gave you them but that you saved them.
There was one thing in particular that just brought me to tears.
It was a bookthat my mother gave you on what I believe was your wedding day.
I was shocked that after the divorce you didn't throw it away.
As Robert said, he prob didn't because he knew one day you would get it.
Thank you Dad.
You still continue to comfort me & remind me of just how special our bond is.
I don't say "was" because it's a bond that will never go away
Yesterday I went to Briggs St.
I always find comfort there but yesterday I just went into your room, layed on your bed & cried my eyes out.
I needed to do that.
Of course Robert came in to see if I was ok & then asked me what I wanted for dinner.
Telling him I wasn't hungry wasn't working so I sat & ate some "famous" Robert salad.
I told him that I find so much comfort being with him. He is after all, the closest thing to you.
And he has this ability to make me laugh even when Im crying.
You raised 2 amazing men Dad.
They have really stepped up to the plate, you would be so proud.
Sam checks in with me, sending me messages that sound just like the things you would say.
Robert gave me a box of all the things you saved over the years. I was blown away !
You saved a ltl flower pot I made you in 1989 !
He gave me quite a few envelops of cards, letters, drawings & pictures you saved of both mine & Nicole's.
As Rob said " do you think you wrote him enough letters telling him how much you loved him & how grateful you were for him?" - We laughed but it also was just another reminder to me that I have no regrets with you. I am so happy that I not only gave you them but that you saved them.
There was one thing in particular that just brought me to tears.
It was a bookthat my mother gave you on what I believe was your wedding day.
I was shocked that after the divorce you didn't throw it away.
As Robert said, he prob didn't because he knew one day you would get it.
Thank you Dad.
You still continue to comfort me & remind me of just how special our bond is.
I don't say "was" because it's a bond that will never go away
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
You are still near us
Not sure how to begin this.
I know you didn't believe in psychic's or mediums but I have to share what Nicole & I experienced last night.
You were there Dad. I know it.
The things she said were things you would say. Such as "Shit or get off the pot"
(referring to Steve & I).
Colleen came up. You said you cared about her but she was a pain in the ass.
Another thing you would say !
She told Nicole that you came to her & that she knew it. Which by the way, Nicole had told me she felt you. I guess she really did.
She said "he just put a little nurses hat on you & called you his little helper"
She asked why I felt guilty & I said because I couldnt really help you to the bathroom, she said you don't want me to feel guilty for anything.
She asked who died of empasymna ( totally spelt that wrong) but I said my Uncle.
Then she asked who drove a bus for many years, I said my other Uncle.
She said you were standing with the two of them.
I wasn't surprised, Uncle Denny & Uncle Charlie were your buddies.
And what's strange is, before Nicole & I went in, I said I just want to know that you're with them.
And she validated that you are.
There were a lot of other things said but the bottom line is, I left there feeling such a sense of peace.
I questioned if I would really ever see you again, I wondered if you were really watching over us, and now I know you are.
Thank you Dad.
For comforting me as you always have.
Miss you & love you forever !
I know you didn't believe in psychic's or mediums but I have to share what Nicole & I experienced last night.
You were there Dad. I know it.
The things she said were things you would say. Such as "Shit or get off the pot"
(referring to Steve & I).
Colleen came up. You said you cared about her but she was a pain in the ass.
Another thing you would say !
She told Nicole that you came to her & that she knew it. Which by the way, Nicole had told me she felt you. I guess she really did.
She said "he just put a little nurses hat on you & called you his little helper"
She asked why I felt guilty & I said because I couldnt really help you to the bathroom, she said you don't want me to feel guilty for anything.
She asked who died of empasymna ( totally spelt that wrong) but I said my Uncle.
Then she asked who drove a bus for many years, I said my other Uncle.
She said you were standing with the two of them.
I wasn't surprised, Uncle Denny & Uncle Charlie were your buddies.
And what's strange is, before Nicole & I went in, I said I just want to know that you're with them.
And she validated that you are.
There were a lot of other things said but the bottom line is, I left there feeling such a sense of peace.
I questioned if I would really ever see you again, I wondered if you were really watching over us, and now I know you are.
Thank you Dad.
For comforting me as you always have.
Miss you & love you forever !
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
A moment of gratitude
As I posted yesterday, it has been one month since you have physically left this world.
I went to the cemetery yesterday with Erin. Only a best friend would give up her lunch hour to come and be with me.
We couldn't find "you" & I started to become frustrated & sad. I actually told you that I didn't have time for hide & go seek. And then I spotted your grave.
And then I proceeded to cry. Erin rubbed my back & spoke encouraging words, just comforting me as she's done these last 6 months.
As I said to Erin, This isn't where Im supposed to come to visit you.
I went not only because it was your 1st month away from us but also because I had to water the tomatoe & pepper plants that Robert planted for you.
Speaking of friends & people who have supported me, I am blessed.
From Danielle, who was there the night you passed. She actually came to the house before they "took you away". Poor girl didn't know what she was walking into but as always held herself together in her usual classy way.
Tracey, the last friend of mine you saw. You always liked her & I'll always remember how you teased her & told her if she was only a few years younger...lol.
Barbara,who sadly lost her own father to cancer just a few months before you lost your battle. She has been a good friend to me throughout the 13 years I've known her. She has expierenced many losses in her life but keeps on going, just like you did Dad.
Patti - although she isn't here in NY, she has always been only a phone call away. She will always listen & she reminds me of not only all the good times but also reminds me that I am strong & encourages me. She was the first one of "us" to expierence a major loss. The tragic loss of her brother. She knows the feeling of grief & how it physcially hurts.
Joanne, who would always text me when I wasn't at work to see how I was doing. Always checking in with me & always willing to listen or offer her support in any way she could.
Elaine, my supervisor who has been more then understanding. She has actually cried with me over the last few months. Im lucky to have a compassionate boss & I am so very grateful.
Aunt Bernadette - yes, my Aunt but also my friend. Even before we lost you she has been a huge source of support, love & encouragment.
Steve has also been very supportive & regardless of whatever we've been through, he was & is there for me during this journey. He has listened to me, held me when I just couldn't stop crying & has tried his hardest to understand. Not his fault that he really can't but he has tried.
And Keith. Keith has helped me more then he realizes. He has been a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen & has also encouraged me along the way as he still does today.
Sadly, Barbara, Keith & myself have all became a part of this "club". A club nobody wants to be a part of. The club of losing a parent. Besides the loss of a child, I believe losing a parent is one of the scariest things to go through. Your parents have known you your entire life, they made your world safe & when they are no longer here with us, our worlds are forever changed.
I am also blessed to work with people who truly care. Who showed up to not only pay their respects but also to show their support for me. Not everyone is lucky enough to work with such amazing people. Johna,Sandra,Krystal,Laurie,Cyndee & Kristin. All women who have shown a true concern for me & have always listened when I needed someone to vent to.
I will never forget the words that our director said to me at your wake.
He said "Liz, the changes I've seen in you over the last 5 years have been remarkable, I can only imagine how proud your father must have been".
So even though a part of me is gone, I am very very fortunate to be surrounded by loving, caring & supportive people.
I guess today will be a day of gratitude. Or at least right now it is, these days I can go from "ok" to a blubbering mess. I treasure moments like this. And I know that you would want me to count my blessings instead of wallowing in my grief.
You still continue to give me strength. And I know you always will.
I went to the cemetery yesterday with Erin. Only a best friend would give up her lunch hour to come and be with me.
We couldn't find "you" & I started to become frustrated & sad. I actually told you that I didn't have time for hide & go seek. And then I spotted your grave.
And then I proceeded to cry. Erin rubbed my back & spoke encouraging words, just comforting me as she's done these last 6 months.
As I said to Erin, This isn't where Im supposed to come to visit you.
I went not only because it was your 1st month away from us but also because I had to water the tomatoe & pepper plants that Robert planted for you.
Speaking of friends & people who have supported me, I am blessed.
From Danielle, who was there the night you passed. She actually came to the house before they "took you away". Poor girl didn't know what she was walking into but as always held herself together in her usual classy way.
Tracey, the last friend of mine you saw. You always liked her & I'll always remember how you teased her & told her if she was only a few years younger...lol.
Barbara,who sadly lost her own father to cancer just a few months before you lost your battle. She has been a good friend to me throughout the 13 years I've known her. She has expierenced many losses in her life but keeps on going, just like you did Dad.
Patti - although she isn't here in NY, she has always been only a phone call away. She will always listen & she reminds me of not only all the good times but also reminds me that I am strong & encourages me. She was the first one of "us" to expierence a major loss. The tragic loss of her brother. She knows the feeling of grief & how it physcially hurts.
Joanne, who would always text me when I wasn't at work to see how I was doing. Always checking in with me & always willing to listen or offer her support in any way she could.
Elaine, my supervisor who has been more then understanding. She has actually cried with me over the last few months. Im lucky to have a compassionate boss & I am so very grateful.
Aunt Bernadette - yes, my Aunt but also my friend. Even before we lost you she has been a huge source of support, love & encouragment.
Steve has also been very supportive & regardless of whatever we've been through, he was & is there for me during this journey. He has listened to me, held me when I just couldn't stop crying & has tried his hardest to understand. Not his fault that he really can't but he has tried.
And Keith. Keith has helped me more then he realizes. He has been a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen & has also encouraged me along the way as he still does today.
Sadly, Barbara, Keith & myself have all became a part of this "club". A club nobody wants to be a part of. The club of losing a parent. Besides the loss of a child, I believe losing a parent is one of the scariest things to go through. Your parents have known you your entire life, they made your world safe & when they are no longer here with us, our worlds are forever changed.
I am also blessed to work with people who truly care. Who showed up to not only pay their respects but also to show their support for me. Not everyone is lucky enough to work with such amazing people. Johna,Sandra,Krystal,Laurie,Cyndee & Kristin. All women who have shown a true concern for me & have always listened when I needed someone to vent to.
I will never forget the words that our director said to me at your wake.
He said "Liz, the changes I've seen in you over the last 5 years have been remarkable, I can only imagine how proud your father must have been".
So even though a part of me is gone, I am very very fortunate to be surrounded by loving, caring & supportive people.
I guess today will be a day of gratitude. Or at least right now it is, these days I can go from "ok" to a blubbering mess. I treasure moments like this. And I know that you would want me to count my blessings instead of wallowing in my grief.
You still continue to give me strength. And I know you always will.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
1 month
I can't believe that today is 1 month that you're gone.
An entire month since I've spoken to you, kissed your head or held your hand.
Words could never express just how much I miss you.
Nicole & I went to dinner last night & of course spoke about you. We both shared about what an important & strong influence you were ( and still are ) to us.
I hope you knew how much we love you. I believe you did. As your response to me at times when I told you that I loved you was " I know you do kid".
I hope you know how grateful we are to have had you as our father & grandfather.
I love you Dad.
Forever
An entire month since I've spoken to you, kissed your head or held your hand.
Words could never express just how much I miss you.
Nicole & I went to dinner last night & of course spoke about you. We both shared about what an important & strong influence you were ( and still are ) to us.
I hope you knew how much we love you. I believe you did. As your response to me at times when I told you that I loved you was " I know you do kid".
I hope you know how grateful we are to have had you as our father & grandfather.
I love you Dad.
Forever
Monday, June 23, 2014
Missing you !!!!
I miss you.
I miss you so much it physically hurts.
No doubt a piece of my heart left the day you did.
I went out to the farm this past weekend.
We had such a nice day that day.
As soon as I saw the apple orchid, I cried.
I guess you could say they were tears of happiness but also sadness.
Sad because I will never again get to do that with you.
I went out there to try & "clear my head".
Well that didn't work. It was so quiet, all I did was think.
I miss you so much Dad.
The mornings are hard.
It's as if I just want to wake up from this nightmare & in the morning, its like I have to accept it all over again.
I find so much comfort being around Robert.
I suppose because he's the closest thing to you & because we both shared such a special bond with you.
He truly is amazing.
He does the daily calls, just like you did.
Last night he callled & said " I can hear him telling me "check in with your kid sister".
Told me to go to work & "put a day in the bank"
People say time will help, I dont want to rush away my life but I cannot wait until I can see you again.
I miss you so much it physically hurts.
No doubt a piece of my heart left the day you did.
I went out to the farm this past weekend.
We had such a nice day that day.
As soon as I saw the apple orchid, I cried.
I guess you could say they were tears of happiness but also sadness.
Sad because I will never again get to do that with you.
I went out there to try & "clear my head".
Well that didn't work. It was so quiet, all I did was think.
I miss you so much Dad.
The mornings are hard.
It's as if I just want to wake up from this nightmare & in the morning, its like I have to accept it all over again.
I find so much comfort being around Robert.
I suppose because he's the closest thing to you & because we both shared such a special bond with you.
He truly is amazing.
He does the daily calls, just like you did.
Last night he callled & said " I can hear him telling me "check in with your kid sister".
Told me to go to work & "put a day in the bank"
People say time will help, I dont want to rush away my life but I cannot wait until I can see you again.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Father's Day without you
Yesterday was Father's Day.
The first one without you here.
Figures that would be the first holiday to come since you've been gone.
I went to the cemetery with Jesse early in the morning.
I brought you a rose & of course a scratch off :)
After that I went & hung out with Robert.
We went to Geno's & then did yard work together.
I know if you're looking down, you would be so happy that not only were we spending time together but I know you would be so happy to see us in the yard.
Everyone asked how I was, I got a lot of messages & they were all so kind & thoughtful.
But the thing is, everday for the last 3 weeks has sucked.
My pain is still so raw, so yesterday wasn't much different.
I think I go back & forth between denial & anger.
The sadness will never go away.
At first ( the first week maybe) I felt like I just hadn't seen you in a couple of days. But now, now it's starting to set in. I have never gone without talking to you or seeing you for THREE weeks !
I talk to you everyday & I know you are my angel now.
But I would do anything to have you here with us.
Healthy of course, happy, in the garden or sitting on the stoop.
Your absence is felt so strongly.
A part of my heart is gone - never to be repaired or replaced.
It's a part that belonged to you & always will.
The first one without you here.
Figures that would be the first holiday to come since you've been gone.
I went to the cemetery with Jesse early in the morning.
I brought you a rose & of course a scratch off :)
After that I went & hung out with Robert.
We went to Geno's & then did yard work together.
I know if you're looking down, you would be so happy that not only were we spending time together but I know you would be so happy to see us in the yard.
Everyone asked how I was, I got a lot of messages & they were all so kind & thoughtful.
But the thing is, everday for the last 3 weeks has sucked.
My pain is still so raw, so yesterday wasn't much different.
I think I go back & forth between denial & anger.
The sadness will never go away.
At first ( the first week maybe) I felt like I just hadn't seen you in a couple of days. But now, now it's starting to set in. I have never gone without talking to you or seeing you for THREE weeks !
I talk to you everyday & I know you are my angel now.
But I would do anything to have you here with us.
Healthy of course, happy, in the garden or sitting on the stoop.
Your absence is felt so strongly.
A part of my heart is gone - never to be repaired or replaced.
It's a part that belonged to you & always will.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Random Ramblings
It's a gloomy Wednesday morning, could have stayed in bed all day.
But I think about how you would want me to continue on.
I think of all the times you had been knocked down & ALWAYS got right back up.
You certinaly had your share of heartache & obstacles but ALWAYS kept on going.
As you would say "Every day is a new beginning.
So I try Dad.
I try REALLY hard to just keep going.
Falling apart isn't an option, although I would be lying if I said I didn't want to at times.
This Sunday is Father's Day - wonderful.
The first holiday that comes after your departure.
Not quite sure how Im going to get through that day.
Maybe the anticipation of it will be worse then the actual day.
That's what Im hoping for.
Im sure I'll spend part of the day with Robert & this will be my first time visitng you at your grave for a holiday rather then coming to the house.
I started to seeing a therapist who deals with grief couseling.
Her name is Janet.
There are no coincedences.
And she is wonderful.
I see her today, thank God because the past 2 days have been pretty hard.
Everyone says "Im here if you want to talk" but who really wants to hear all about how Im feeling?
I feel bad dumping those emotions of anyone.
And that's also why Im glad I have Janet.
I may have to pay her but at least I don't feel bad telling her where Im at.
Well Dad that's all.
Like you can actually read this :)
Miss you more then words could ever express.
And love you just the same.
Forever !
But I think about how you would want me to continue on.
I think of all the times you had been knocked down & ALWAYS got right back up.
You certinaly had your share of heartache & obstacles but ALWAYS kept on going.
As you would say "Every day is a new beginning.
So I try Dad.
I try REALLY hard to just keep going.
Falling apart isn't an option, although I would be lying if I said I didn't want to at times.
This Sunday is Father's Day - wonderful.
The first holiday that comes after your departure.
Not quite sure how Im going to get through that day.
Maybe the anticipation of it will be worse then the actual day.
That's what Im hoping for.
Im sure I'll spend part of the day with Robert & this will be my first time visitng you at your grave for a holiday rather then coming to the house.
I started to seeing a therapist who deals with grief couseling.
Her name is Janet.
There are no coincedences.
And she is wonderful.
I see her today, thank God because the past 2 days have been pretty hard.
Everyone says "Im here if you want to talk" but who really wants to hear all about how Im feeling?
I feel bad dumping those emotions of anyone.
And that's also why Im glad I have Janet.
I may have to pay her but at least I don't feel bad telling her where Im at.
Well Dad that's all.
Like you can actually read this :)
Miss you more then words could ever express.
And love you just the same.
Forever !
Monday, June 9, 2014
One of my poems
A poem I wrote for my brother.
After the passing of 2 of my Uncle's, my brother was my Dad's best friend.
People had so many comments about their relationship. And it's really so sad because my brother is and always will be one of the most loving & loyal people I know.
To everyone who has something to say, your loss.
I will always stay true & loyal to my brother.
NOT just because that's what my father would want but because I am so lucky to have him.
Right up until the very end,
You spent your moments with your friend.
The one who always took such care,
The one who proved to always be there.
The one who gave all that he had,
Not just for his friend but also his Dad.
The sacrifices he made, all out of love
Because of the bond that you shared & his mother above.
Loyal, intelligent, kind & true,
No doubt that he was raised by you.
I thank you Dad, for he is my brother
I could not ask for or wish for any other.
I'll keep an eye on him as he will with me,
I know it's the way you would want it to be.
Until the day we meet again, please watch us from above
And know how much we miss you & how we still can feel your love.
After the passing of 2 of my Uncle's, my brother was my Dad's best friend.
People had so many comments about their relationship. And it's really so sad because my brother is and always will be one of the most loving & loyal people I know.
To everyone who has something to say, your loss.
I will always stay true & loyal to my brother.
NOT just because that's what my father would want but because I am so lucky to have him.
Right up until the very end,
You spent your moments with your friend.
The one who always took such care,
The one who proved to always be there.
The one who gave all that he had,
Not just for his friend but also his Dad.
The sacrifices he made, all out of love
Because of the bond that you shared & his mother above.
Loyal, intelligent, kind & true,
No doubt that he was raised by you.
I thank you Dad, for he is my brother
I could not ask for or wish for any other.
I'll keep an eye on him as he will with me,
I know it's the way you would want it to be.
Until the day we meet again, please watch us from above
And know how much we miss you & how we still can feel your love.
So Frigen Sad
Its a rainy Monday morning.
Rainy days are more depressing now then ever before.
I imagine his body laying in the ground as the rain just pours down.
Im sure some would say "dont think like that".
I can't help it.
I DO try & make it better by saying that he's watering the garden for me today.
I miss him so much & I know it's only going to get worse.
I've tried to find a bereavment group but haven't had any luck.
I know that will help me.
Just as NA helped me in the past, being with people who REALLY understand what you're going through helps me.
I started to see a therapist who deals with grief. And she is wonderful.
She is going to find one for me but believes you have to be 3 months in.
I don't want to wait 3 months.
My feelings are raw right now - I want that support now.
I am going to call the church & ask them.
Dad,
I miss you. I miss you more then any words could express.
I would give anything to have one more conversation with you, to see you or hold your hand.
To hear you tell me "Be careful", "Watch the driving", "Keep ya nose clean", "Watch Nicole like a hawk" or my favorite "I love you too kid" or when I would tell you that I love you, you would say "I know you do".
People keep telling me "TIME" will help.
BULLSHIT !
Time doesn't make it better.
Time only means that we've been apart that much longer.
My heart physically hurts.
My heart & world have been shattered.
Rainy days are more depressing now then ever before.
I imagine his body laying in the ground as the rain just pours down.
Im sure some would say "dont think like that".
I can't help it.
I DO try & make it better by saying that he's watering the garden for me today.
I miss him so much & I know it's only going to get worse.
I've tried to find a bereavment group but haven't had any luck.
I know that will help me.
Just as NA helped me in the past, being with people who REALLY understand what you're going through helps me.
I started to see a therapist who deals with grief. And she is wonderful.
She is going to find one for me but believes you have to be 3 months in.
I don't want to wait 3 months.
My feelings are raw right now - I want that support now.
I am going to call the church & ask them.
Dad,
I miss you. I miss you more then any words could express.
I would give anything to have one more conversation with you, to see you or hold your hand.
To hear you tell me "Be careful", "Watch the driving", "Keep ya nose clean", "Watch Nicole like a hawk" or my favorite "I love you too kid" or when I would tell you that I love you, you would say "I know you do".
People keep telling me "TIME" will help.
BULLSHIT !
Time doesn't make it better.
Time only means that we've been apart that much longer.
My heart physically hurts.
My heart & world have been shattered.
Friday, June 6, 2014
A new journey
I named this blog "My Journey with my father". And although he is no longer physically here, apparently my journey with him will last forever.
So now Im on this "greif journey" - I WANT OFF !
This is one journey I don't know if I can handle.
I've always been the emotional one.
Now I think Im a total mental patient :)
One minute Im ok & the next Im in tears.
A part of me feels like Im in denial but how could that be?
I saw his dead body !
I saw his withering away.
I knew this was going to happen.
To think Ill never see him again on this earth is such a hard concept to wrap my head around.
I have video's & still have voicemails so I heard his voice yesterday.
Not that I think I could ever forget his voice - I can hear him telling me what to do in every situation.
My heart is so broken.
So now Im on this "greif journey" - I WANT OFF !
This is one journey I don't know if I can handle.
I've always been the emotional one.
Now I think Im a total mental patient :)
One minute Im ok & the next Im in tears.
A part of me feels like Im in denial but how could that be?
I saw his dead body !
I saw his withering away.
I knew this was going to happen.
To think Ill never see him again on this earth is such a hard concept to wrap my head around.
I have video's & still have voicemails so I heard his voice yesterday.
Not that I think I could ever forget his voice - I can hear him telling me what to do in every situation.
My heart is so broken.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Dad Poem
These are not my words but I thought I would share.
Memories of Dad
I will take this special moment
To turn my thoughts to Dad
Thank him for the home he gave
For all the things we had.
We think about the fleeting years
Too quickly, gone for good
It seems like only yesterday
I’d go back if I could.
A time when Dad was always there,
No matter what the weather.
Always strong when things went wrong
He held our lives together.
He strived so hard from day to day
And never once complained.
With steady hands, he worked so hard
And kept the family name.
He taught us that hard work pays off,
You reap just what you sow.
He said that if you tend your crops,
Your field will overflow.
My life has been bountiful
He taught me how to give
In his firm and steadfast way
He taught me how to live.
Dad dwells among the angels now
He left us much too soon
He glides across a golden field
Above the harvest moon.
I see him in the summer rain,
He rides upon the wind
And when my path is beaten down
He picks me up again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Memories of Dad
I will take this special moment
To turn my thoughts to Dad
Thank him for the home he gave
For all the things we had.
We think about the fleeting years
Too quickly, gone for good
It seems like only yesterday
I’d go back if I could.
A time when Dad was always there,
No matter what the weather.
Always strong when things went wrong
He held our lives together.
He strived so hard from day to day
And never once complained.
With steady hands, he worked so hard
And kept the family name.
He taught us that hard work pays off,
You reap just what you sow.
He said that if you tend your crops,
Your field will overflow.
My life has been bountiful
He taught me how to give
In his firm and steadfast way
He taught me how to live.
Dad dwells among the angels now
He left us much too soon
He glides across a golden field
Above the harvest moon.
I see him in the summer rain,
He rides upon the wind
And when my path is beaten down
He picks me up again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Going forward
Although this blog started when we found ut about Dad's cancer, I think I may continue to write as writing has always been a source of therapy for me.
And although he is no longer physically here with us, he is in my heart forever.
There will be good days & bad days ahead, Im fully aware of this.
And for that reason, I will continue to post here.
As with any of my blogs, there really for me.
If I have choosen to share them with you, it's because you are an important person in my life who I know loves & cares for me. It's because I would openly share most of my thoughts with you.
I read this yesterday & thought it was beautiful.
So I will share.
And although he is no longer physically here with us, he is in my heart forever.
There will be good days & bad days ahead, Im fully aware of this.
And for that reason, I will continue to post here.
As with any of my blogs, there really for me.
If I have choosen to share them with you, it's because you are an important person in my life who I know loves & cares for me. It's because I would openly share most of my thoughts with you.
I read this yesterday & thought it was beautiful.
So I will share.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
He is gone
He is gone.
On Saturday May 24,2014, God took my father home.
I was there earlier in the day with Ellen.
I told him I loved him & he said "I love you too" - I said "I know Dad".
Ellen & I left around 3:15.
I was home putting together some pictures as we knew the day was approaching.
I called the house & my brother Sam answered.
When Robert wasn't there, I just assumed he had gone out for a bit.
When Robert showed up at my apt, it never occured to me to think he was gone.
I showed Robert the pictures and he said "very nice, maybe you can use them tomorrow".
I just looked at him.
And he said "he's gone".
I just collapsed into tears.
My father, my best friend, my rock, my biggest fan was gone.
I can only find some comfort in knowing that I loved him & he loved me.
I have no regrets, he is no longer suffering.
But my god, I miss him.
More then any words could ever express.
I will share my eulogy on here when I have it in front of me.
Until we meet again Dad, please watch over us.
I love you forever
On Saturday May 24,2014, God took my father home.
I was there earlier in the day with Ellen.
I told him I loved him & he said "I love you too" - I said "I know Dad".
Ellen & I left around 3:15.
I was home putting together some pictures as we knew the day was approaching.
I called the house & my brother Sam answered.
When Robert wasn't there, I just assumed he had gone out for a bit.
When Robert showed up at my apt, it never occured to me to think he was gone.
I showed Robert the pictures and he said "very nice, maybe you can use them tomorrow".
I just looked at him.
And he said "he's gone".
I just collapsed into tears.
My father, my best friend, my rock, my biggest fan was gone.
I can only find some comfort in knowing that I loved him & he loved me.
I have no regrets, he is no longer suffering.
But my god, I miss him.
More then any words could ever express.
I will share my eulogy on here when I have it in front of me.
Until we meet again Dad, please watch over us.
I love you forever
Friday, May 23, 2014
The End is Near
The end is near.
On Wednesday the hospice aide was there & I asked her "how long?" - she said "maybe 2 weeks".
At that point Dad hadn't eaten in about 5 days & hasn't urinated.
When the hospice nurse came she said "maybe a week" - I suppose nobody but God knows.
However when she took his blood pressure it was 58 over 30.
She (linda) said she wound't be surpirsed if he became completely unresponsive by tomorrow, which was yesterday.
His vision is off.
Today is Friday - he has now not eaten in about a week & still not going to the bathroom.
He's a little delusional.
He really just sleeps.
I came to work this morning.
I cannot sleep & I just don't know what to do with myself.
I have said everything I could possibly want to say.
Well, everything except "goodbye".
I just can't bring myself to say those words.
I will be forever changed by his loss.
I am terrified, scared, every adjective you could think of.
He was my Rock, ALL OF MY LIFE !
He never turned his back to me.
He loved me always.
I have to write his obituary.
How do you write your father's obituary?
What do you say?
All I can do is pray for the strength to get thru this
I have a feeling I'll be going thru the motions, whatever they may be
On Wednesday the hospice aide was there & I asked her "how long?" - she said "maybe 2 weeks".
At that point Dad hadn't eaten in about 5 days & hasn't urinated.
When the hospice nurse came she said "maybe a week" - I suppose nobody but God knows.
However when she took his blood pressure it was 58 over 30.
She (linda) said she wound't be surpirsed if he became completely unresponsive by tomorrow, which was yesterday.
His vision is off.
Today is Friday - he has now not eaten in about a week & still not going to the bathroom.
He's a little delusional.
He really just sleeps.
I came to work this morning.
I cannot sleep & I just don't know what to do with myself.
I have said everything I could possibly want to say.
Well, everything except "goodbye".
I just can't bring myself to say those words.
I will be forever changed by his loss.
I am terrified, scared, every adjective you could think of.
He was my Rock, ALL OF MY LIFE !
He never turned his back to me.
He loved me always.
I have to write his obituary.
How do you write your father's obituary?
What do you say?
All I can do is pray for the strength to get thru this
I have a feeling I'll be going thru the motions, whatever they may be
Monday, May 19, 2014
64 Things
These are not my own words but def worth sharing.
64 Things
64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief
We think about grief a lot around here – we write about types of grief, grief theory, personal reflections, creative expression for coping with grief, practical ideas for managing grief, and on and on and on. But there are some days that all seems like a lot to take in. We think back to the basics. Not the theory stuff, not the ideas about how to cope — just the really basic things that people never tell you about grief. So, with your help, that is what we have today — a quick and dirty list of the things we wish we had known about grief, before we knew anything about grief. If it’s in quotes, it is something one of our fabulous readers shared with us on twitter or facebook. If you finish this post and you’re annoyed about all the things we forgot, leave a comment to keep the list going.
I wish someone had told me . . .
1.No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.
2.You can plan for death, but death does not always comply with our wishes or plans.
3.“Stop avoiding and be present”.
4.“Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies. It is not peaceful or prepared. You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment . . . It’s too real”.
5.A hospital death is not always a bad death.
6.A home death/hospice death is not always a good death.
7.“There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death, and this can lead to regrets”.
8.“Death is not an emergency – there is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye”
9.Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.
10.You will plan the funeral while in a haze. If you aren’t happy with the funeral you had, have another memorial service later.
11.When people offer support, take them up on it.
12.People will bring you food because they don’t know what else to do. Don’t feel bad throwing it away.
13.People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it.
14.People will tell you things that aren’t true about your grief.
15.Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.
16.There is no such thing as closure.
17.There is no timeline for grieving. You can’t rush it. You will grieve, in some form, forever.
18.“There will always be regrets. No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more”.
19.Guilt is a normal part of grief.
20.Anger is normal part of grief.
21.“The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can”.
22.Grief can make you question your faith.
23.“Grief doesn’t come in 5 neat stages. Grief is messy and confusing”.
24.Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.
25.Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals. And that isn’t always a bad thing.
26.We all grieve differently, which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.
27. “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times
worse”.
28. You may find comfort in very unexpected places.
29.“You should go somewhere to debrief after care giving”.
30. “The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind”.
31.Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn’t helpful.
32.“It’s sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own, find new guidance, if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven’t learned how”.
33. “You grieve your past, present, and future with that person”.
34.Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet.
35.Grief triggers are everywhere – you will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.
36.“You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust”.
37.Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.
38.People will tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel and how you should and shouldn’t grieve. Ignore them.
39.“The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person”.
40.There is no normal when it comes to grieving.
41.Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.
42.“It is normal to feel numb after it happens. The tears will come. They come in waves”.
43.Grief can make you feel selfish and entitled, and that’s okay (at least for a while).
44.Meeting new people, who never knew the person who died, can be hard and sad. But eventually it can be nice to “introduce” them through stories and photographs.
45.The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.
46.“People love to judge how you are doing. Watch out for those people”.
47.You can’t compare grief or compare losses, though people will try.
48.Any loss you grieve is a valid loss, though people will sometimes make you feel otherwise.
49.“Just because you feel pretty good one day it doesn’t mean you are cured of your grief”.
50.There are many days when you will feel totally and completely alone, whether you are or not.
51.Grief can make you do stupid, crazy things. They may be what you need at the time time, but you may regret them later. Cut yourself some slack.
52.Grief can make you a stronger person than you were before.
53.Grief counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak.
54.It is okay to cry sometimes.
55.It is okay NOT to cry sometimes.
56.“Time does NOT heal all wounds”.
57.“Grief re-writes your address book”. Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not. People you never expect become your biggest supporters.
58.“You don’t get over it, you just get used to it”.
59.It is okay to tell people when they are not being helpful.
60.Watch your drinking– alcohol can quickly become an unhealthy friend.
61.You will have to face your emotions eventually – you can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.
62.Talking isn’t the only way to express and process emotions.
63.You will never go back to being your “old self”. Grief changes you and you are never the same.
64.Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died. Eventually you will begin to enjoy life again, date again, have another child, seek new experiences, or whatever. None of these thing will diminish your love for the person you lost.
64 Things
64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief
We think about grief a lot around here – we write about types of grief, grief theory, personal reflections, creative expression for coping with grief, practical ideas for managing grief, and on and on and on. But there are some days that all seems like a lot to take in. We think back to the basics. Not the theory stuff, not the ideas about how to cope — just the really basic things that people never tell you about grief. So, with your help, that is what we have today — a quick and dirty list of the things we wish we had known about grief, before we knew anything about grief. If it’s in quotes, it is something one of our fabulous readers shared with us on twitter or facebook. If you finish this post and you’re annoyed about all the things we forgot, leave a comment to keep the list going.
I wish someone had told me . . .
1.No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.
2.You can plan for death, but death does not always comply with our wishes or plans.
3.“Stop avoiding and be present”.
4.“Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies. It is not peaceful or prepared. You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment . . . It’s too real”.
5.A hospital death is not always a bad death.
6.A home death/hospice death is not always a good death.
7.“There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death, and this can lead to regrets”.
8.“Death is not an emergency – there is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye”
9.Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.
10.You will plan the funeral while in a haze. If you aren’t happy with the funeral you had, have another memorial service later.
11.When people offer support, take them up on it.
12.People will bring you food because they don’t know what else to do. Don’t feel bad throwing it away.
13.People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it.
14.People will tell you things that aren’t true about your grief.
15.Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.
16.There is no such thing as closure.
17.There is no timeline for grieving. You can’t rush it. You will grieve, in some form, forever.
18.“There will always be regrets. No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more”.
19.Guilt is a normal part of grief.
20.Anger is normal part of grief.
21.“The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can”.
22.Grief can make you question your faith.
23.“Grief doesn’t come in 5 neat stages. Grief is messy and confusing”.
24.Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.
25.Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals. And that isn’t always a bad thing.
26.We all grieve differently, which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.
27. “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times
worse”.
28. You may find comfort in very unexpected places.
29.“You should go somewhere to debrief after care giving”.
30. “The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind”.
31.Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn’t helpful.
32.“It’s sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own, find new guidance, if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven’t learned how”.
33. “You grieve your past, present, and future with that person”.
34.Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet.
35.Grief triggers are everywhere – you will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.
36.“You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust”.
37.Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.
38.People will tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel and how you should and shouldn’t grieve. Ignore them.
39.“The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person”.
40.There is no normal when it comes to grieving.
41.Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.
42.“It is normal to feel numb after it happens. The tears will come. They come in waves”.
43.Grief can make you feel selfish and entitled, and that’s okay (at least for a while).
44.Meeting new people, who never knew the person who died, can be hard and sad. But eventually it can be nice to “introduce” them through stories and photographs.
45.The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.
46.“People love to judge how you are doing. Watch out for those people”.
47.You can’t compare grief or compare losses, though people will try.
48.Any loss you grieve is a valid loss, though people will sometimes make you feel otherwise.
49.“Just because you feel pretty good one day it doesn’t mean you are cured of your grief”.
50.There are many days when you will feel totally and completely alone, whether you are or not.
51.Grief can make you do stupid, crazy things. They may be what you need at the time time, but you may regret them later. Cut yourself some slack.
52.Grief can make you a stronger person than you were before.
53.Grief counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak.
54.It is okay to cry sometimes.
55.It is okay NOT to cry sometimes.
56.“Time does NOT heal all wounds”.
57.“Grief re-writes your address book”. Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not. People you never expect become your biggest supporters.
58.“You don’t get over it, you just get used to it”.
59.It is okay to tell people when they are not being helpful.
60.Watch your drinking– alcohol can quickly become an unhealthy friend.
61.You will have to face your emotions eventually – you can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.
62.Talking isn’t the only way to express and process emotions.
63.You will never go back to being your “old self”. Grief changes you and you are never the same.
64.Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died. Eventually you will begin to enjoy life again, date again, have another child, seek new experiences, or whatever. None of these thing will diminish your love for the person you lost.
Desperatley trying to reach God
I'm not quite sure what to say.
This so called "journey" has been more like a horrible roller coster ride.
As expected, Dad is only getting worse.
Each & everyday everything becomes more difficult.
On Friday night, I sat down & wrote a letter to God.
I just don't know why he's allowing him to suffer so badly.
I don't understand a lot of this.
I don't understand how or why certain people do certain things.
I get that we all handle difficult situations differently.
I get that we ( his children) all have different relationships with him.
I am trying to remind myself that I am not responsible for anyone else or their behavior.
I know I have ALWAYS been close to my father & that should God take him today, I have no words left unspoken.
I just pray that his suffering ends soon.
On a somewhat happier note, I am so beyond grateful for the friends who have stood by me every step of the way.
Wether it be a face to face conversation, a simple text or just a hug.
I would be lost without you & you know who you are.
You're the same people who loved me through every other difficult time I faced.
You're the same people who believed in me & supported me when I needed it most.
You may be my "friends" but to me, you are my family & I love you.
Thank you for being such amazing human beings.
Thank you for being in my life.
I can only hope that you understand just how much you mean to me.
In closing on this post, I will say this.
God must think Im one strong woman but I'd like him to ease it up a bit.
I cannot take much more.
This so called "journey" has been more like a horrible roller coster ride.
As expected, Dad is only getting worse.
Each & everyday everything becomes more difficult.
On Friday night, I sat down & wrote a letter to God.
I just don't know why he's allowing him to suffer so badly.
I don't understand a lot of this.
I don't understand how or why certain people do certain things.
I get that we all handle difficult situations differently.
I get that we ( his children) all have different relationships with him.
I am trying to remind myself that I am not responsible for anyone else or their behavior.
I know I have ALWAYS been close to my father & that should God take him today, I have no words left unspoken.
I just pray that his suffering ends soon.
On a somewhat happier note, I am so beyond grateful for the friends who have stood by me every step of the way.
Wether it be a face to face conversation, a simple text or just a hug.
I would be lost without you & you know who you are.
You're the same people who loved me through every other difficult time I faced.
You're the same people who believed in me & supported me when I needed it most.
You may be my "friends" but to me, you are my family & I love you.
Thank you for being such amazing human beings.
Thank you for being in my life.
I can only hope that you understand just how much you mean to me.
In closing on this post, I will say this.
God must think Im one strong woman but I'd like him to ease it up a bit.
I cannot take much more.
Monday, April 21, 2014
My Birthday
I forgot to post for my birthday.
I spent the night with Dad, Nicole & Robert.
Just how I wanted it.
With some of the most important people in my life.
The days of going to the bar to celebrate are no longer important.
Spending time with the ones I love is now so much more appealing, so much more meaningful.
Here are a couple of pics that Dad & I took. And one with 2 of my favorites.
I spent the night with Dad, Nicole & Robert.
Just how I wanted it.
With some of the most important people in my life.
The days of going to the bar to celebrate are no longer important.
Spending time with the ones I love is now so much more appealing, so much more meaningful.
Here are a couple of pics that Dad & I took. And one with 2 of my favorites.
Easter 2014
Yesterday was Easter.
I was so grateful to have another holiday with my father.
Sadly I think we all know that this would prob be his last.
It was a nice day.
Quiet but nice.
I went over around 1 and saw Ellen, Geno, Gabriella & Nicholas.
Then Colleen & Sue came by.
After they all left, Robert & I hung out with Dad.
Nicole came over for a little while.
In talking with my father, he told me he was glad he made my birthday & now the holiday.
He says some things that kinda weird me out but I suppose it's all a part of the journey.
He was talking out loud to Janet.
Telling her that he had a "good one" here, pointing at me.
He is in so much pain it breaks my heart to see him suffer.
I didn't sleep well last night, again.
People in my family tend to die or be born on holidays.
I was scared I was going to get a phone call.
Then again, I live with that fear everyday.
And yes, Im aware that I could get that call about anyone but right now, Im super sensative to it.
Here are a couple of pics from yesterday.
Not the greatest but better the none.
I was so grateful to have another holiday with my father.
Sadly I think we all know that this would prob be his last.
It was a nice day.
Quiet but nice.
I went over around 1 and saw Ellen, Geno, Gabriella & Nicholas.
Then Colleen & Sue came by.
After they all left, Robert & I hung out with Dad.
Nicole came over for a little while.
In talking with my father, he told me he was glad he made my birthday & now the holiday.
He says some things that kinda weird me out but I suppose it's all a part of the journey.
He was talking out loud to Janet.
Telling her that he had a "good one" here, pointing at me.
He is in so much pain it breaks my heart to see him suffer.
I didn't sleep well last night, again.
People in my family tend to die or be born on holidays.
I was scared I was going to get a phone call.
Then again, I live with that fear everyday.
And yes, Im aware that I could get that call about anyone but right now, Im super sensative to it.
Here are a couple of pics from yesterday.
Not the greatest but better the none.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Thank You
I want to thank you for all you have done.
For me, for Nicole & for our family.
Because of you, I am where I am today.
Because of your belief in me & because of your unconditonal love, I have accomplished all that I have.
Thank you Dad.
Thank you for always standing by me.
Thank you for always believing in me.
Thank you for never giving up on me.
Thank you for your constant support.
Thank you for loving me no matter what.
Thank you for giving me all of the opportunites that you have.
I could never really thank you enough for all that you have done.
From helping me with Nicole to just always being present.
You are and always be my hero.
For me, for Nicole & for our family.
Because of you, I am where I am today.
Because of your belief in me & because of your unconditonal love, I have accomplished all that I have.
Thank you Dad.
Thank you for always standing by me.
Thank you for always believing in me.
Thank you for never giving up on me.
Thank you for your constant support.
Thank you for loving me no matter what.
Thank you for giving me all of the opportunites that you have.
I could never really thank you enough for all that you have done.
From helping me with Nicole to just always being present.
You are and always be my hero.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Suffering
My heart is hurting so badly.
My father is suffering & it is killing me to watch.
I prayed that he wouldn't suffer & he is.
I was there yesterday & he can barely walk.
He is pushing himself just to get to the bathroom.
He is a man of pride, he WILL push himself.
But it is obvious to see that this will not go on for much longer.
I left in tears.
I left praying to God that he will just take my father in his sleep.
I cannot believe I'm praying for God to take him.
That alone breaks me.
But I cannot ask God to keep him here in this condition.
It kills me to see him like this.
As much as I want Nicole to spend more time with him, I know she will not be able to handle seeing him like this.
Its amazing how as a situation changes so will our prayers.
Im praying for strength because God knows, Im going to need it.
My father is suffering & it is killing me to watch.
I prayed that he wouldn't suffer & he is.
I was there yesterday & he can barely walk.
He is pushing himself just to get to the bathroom.
He is a man of pride, he WILL push himself.
But it is obvious to see that this will not go on for much longer.
I left in tears.
I left praying to God that he will just take my father in his sleep.
I cannot believe I'm praying for God to take him.
That alone breaks me.
But I cannot ask God to keep him here in this condition.
It kills me to see him like this.
As much as I want Nicole to spend more time with him, I know she will not be able to handle seeing him like this.
Its amazing how as a situation changes so will our prayers.
Im praying for strength because God knows, Im going to need it.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
How?
I don't even know where to begin.
I don't think I've ever felt this way.
I don't think I've ever been so afraid.
How am I going to live without him in my life?
How am I going to survive without hearing his voice?
I am trying to be strong.
And in some moments, I even believe I am.
But in a matter of seconds that all goes away.
And I break down.
I just cannot imagine a life without my father.
My Dad.
My biggest fan.
My biggest supporter.
My rock.
I know he would want me to be happy.
I know he would want me to make him proud.
And I will try.
But I don't know how good Im gonna do.
I don't think I've ever felt this way.
I don't think I've ever been so afraid.
How am I going to live without him in my life?
How am I going to survive without hearing his voice?
I am trying to be strong.
And in some moments, I even believe I am.
But in a matter of seconds that all goes away.
And I break down.
I just cannot imagine a life without my father.
My Dad.
My biggest fan.
My biggest supporter.
My rock.
I know he would want me to be happy.
I know he would want me to make him proud.
And I will try.
But I don't know how good Im gonna do.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Praying For Strength
Aside from the very first post I wrote, this is prob going to just as hard if not harder.
Dad saw the oncologist last week & sadly, his blood work indicates that the cancer is advancing. The chemo pills he was taking are no longer helping.
The Dr wanted my father to go in for a cat scan & originally he said he would but he would only do the one where they inject the dye.
He didn't want to drink that stuff because it made him sick last time.
Without him doing the full test, the Dr wouldn't get an accurate report but she was willing to take whatever she could get.
Dad decided he no longer wanted to do anymore tests.
He doesn't want to see anymore Dr's.
I can't blame him.
He has fought so hard, for so long, enough is enough.
He is now receiving hospice care.
They are delievering a bed today.
A bed in the living room.
This is all happening so fast yet it also feels like slow motion.
I am terrified for the future.
I am scared as hell to imagine life without him
Dad saw the oncologist last week & sadly, his blood work indicates that the cancer is advancing. The chemo pills he was taking are no longer helping.
The Dr wanted my father to go in for a cat scan & originally he said he would but he would only do the one where they inject the dye.
He didn't want to drink that stuff because it made him sick last time.
Without him doing the full test, the Dr wouldn't get an accurate report but she was willing to take whatever she could get.
Dad decided he no longer wanted to do anymore tests.
He doesn't want to see anymore Dr's.
I can't blame him.
He has fought so hard, for so long, enough is enough.
He is now receiving hospice care.
They are delievering a bed today.
A bed in the living room.
This is all happening so fast yet it also feels like slow motion.
I am terrified for the future.
I am scared as hell to imagine life without him
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Time
It's been a little while since I've last posted.
Nothing really new to report on Dad.
His #'s seem to be good however, this medication is really taking it's toll on him.
The poor guy is constantly in the bathroom, still suffering with stomach issues & of course his headaches.
I still can't figure out why he's in ANY discomfort.
Why can't the Dr's give him something to ease the pain?
I suppose he will have to voice his concerns & they can go from there.
What Im about to write about next is not really about my Dad but it's definitley a lesson I've learned & now followed through with because of this situation.
Time.
It's the greatest gift we can give someone. And actually, my father has always told me this.
When I was younger it kinda went in one ear & out the other.
But as I've gotten older, as I've lost people or pets that I loved, I've really come to learn & KNOW that our time is valuable.
I spent A LOT of my time, in a relationship that was no longer good for me.
Im not saying he is or was a bad person, none of us are perfect.
But I know in my heart of hearts, I have to move on from this.
I won't go into specific details but I also know that my father would be proud of me for making this decision & actually sticking to it !!!!
As the clock ticks away, I have re-evaluated the relationships I share.
I made this move based on a whole lot of things.
My gut feeling, facts, past history & moving forward.
I read a quote the other day that hit close to home.
"Will you look back on your life and say "I wish I had" or "Im glad I did"?
None of us know when our time here will end.
We really DO have to live one day at a time.
And I REALLY believe we need to spend our time with the people who lift us up, who truly only want good things for us, the people who want to see us happy.
"Our intuition knows best; unlike our mind, it's only motive is our happiness"
Nothing really new to report on Dad.
His #'s seem to be good however, this medication is really taking it's toll on him.
The poor guy is constantly in the bathroom, still suffering with stomach issues & of course his headaches.
I still can't figure out why he's in ANY discomfort.
Why can't the Dr's give him something to ease the pain?
I suppose he will have to voice his concerns & they can go from there.
What Im about to write about next is not really about my Dad but it's definitley a lesson I've learned & now followed through with because of this situation.
Time.
It's the greatest gift we can give someone. And actually, my father has always told me this.
When I was younger it kinda went in one ear & out the other.
But as I've gotten older, as I've lost people or pets that I loved, I've really come to learn & KNOW that our time is valuable.
I spent A LOT of my time, in a relationship that was no longer good for me.
Im not saying he is or was a bad person, none of us are perfect.
But I know in my heart of hearts, I have to move on from this.
I won't go into specific details but I also know that my father would be proud of me for making this decision & actually sticking to it !!!!
As the clock ticks away, I have re-evaluated the relationships I share.
I made this move based on a whole lot of things.
My gut feeling, facts, past history & moving forward.
I read a quote the other day that hit close to home.
"Will you look back on your life and say "I wish I had" or "Im glad I did"?
None of us know when our time here will end.
We really DO have to live one day at a time.
And I REALLY believe we need to spend our time with the people who lift us up, who truly only want good things for us, the people who want to see us happy.
"Our intuition knows best; unlike our mind, it's only motive is our happiness"
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Random Thoughts....again
Here I sit in front of a blank page, not really sure what words to write out.
Im not really sure what it is that I want to say but I know I have so many thoughts running through my head.
I fear the day he no longer here.
I fear my life without him in it.
I fear that I will fall apart never to be the person I once was.
I fear I will be forever changed by his departure.
I fear that my world will crumble and I won't know how to pick up the pieces.
I suppose all of these fears are normal.
I suppose anyone who loses someone they love so dearly will face these fears.
We don't have much of a choice.
We will all face this devesation at some point.
People have asked me if it's easier or harder to know that he is dying.
Im not really sure what the answer to that is.
Yes, I get the opportunity to know that each day is a blessing.
Yes, I have the opportunity to ask all the questions I have to tell him all the things I want to say.
But at the same time, it feels like torture.
As if in the back of my mind I hear "tick tock tick tock".
I guess God wouldnt have put this on my plate if he didn't think I could handle it.
But Im not so sure if I can or I will.
I will try to make him proud.
I will try my hardest to keep on moving on.
But I can't promise anything.
Losing my father is going to be like losing a part of myself.
A BIG part of myself.
But I will carry him, his sarcastic humor & his self of pride with me forever
Im not really sure what it is that I want to say but I know I have so many thoughts running through my head.
I fear the day he no longer here.
I fear my life without him in it.
I fear that I will fall apart never to be the person I once was.
I fear I will be forever changed by his departure.
I fear that my world will crumble and I won't know how to pick up the pieces.
I suppose all of these fears are normal.
I suppose anyone who loses someone they love so dearly will face these fears.
We don't have much of a choice.
We will all face this devesation at some point.
People have asked me if it's easier or harder to know that he is dying.
Im not really sure what the answer to that is.
Yes, I get the opportunity to know that each day is a blessing.
Yes, I have the opportunity to ask all the questions I have to tell him all the things I want to say.
But at the same time, it feels like torture.
As if in the back of my mind I hear "tick tock tick tock".
I guess God wouldnt have put this on my plate if he didn't think I could handle it.
But Im not so sure if I can or I will.
I will try to make him proud.
I will try my hardest to keep on moving on.
But I can't promise anything.
Losing my father is going to be like losing a part of myself.
A BIG part of myself.
But I will carry him, his sarcastic humor & his self of pride with me forever
Friday, February 28, 2014
Latest Dr's apt update
Dad had another Dr apt on 2/25/14.
He has lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks.
Which I was surprised to hear considering he's been eating more then he had been.
The Dr said it could be "water weight" & he didn't seem to concerned.
The growth has not changed so that is also a good sign.
If there's one thing I can say for certain about my Dad it's, he is a fighter.
Always has been & apparently always will be.
Just another reason why I admire this man so much.
He is back on the chemo pills this week.
They are really taking a toll on his stomach, poor guy.
He has lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks.
Which I was surprised to hear considering he's been eating more then he had been.
The Dr said it could be "water weight" & he didn't seem to concerned.
The growth has not changed so that is also a good sign.
If there's one thing I can say for certain about my Dad it's, he is a fighter.
Always has been & apparently always will be.
Just another reason why I admire this man so much.
He is back on the chemo pills this week.
They are really taking a toll on his stomach, poor guy.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
In Memory Of Richard Kerzner & some other random thoughts.
On Friday, Febuary 21, 2014, a dear friend of mine's father lost his battle against cancer.
He had fought long & hard but sadly this disease takes way too many lives.
My heart breaks for my friend as she has already experienced so much loss in her life.
I admire her strength, I admire her ability to continue on, I admire her for so many different reasons.
So today, I ask that whoever reads this, to pray for her.
To keep her in your thoughts & to send loving caring thoughts her way.
My Dad goes back to the Dr today.
I saw him yesterday.
He is so much skinnier.
And all he talks about is how he's lived his life. And how he misses my Uncles.
Its very sad & very depressing.
I know this isn't about me but I can't help but leave with such a heavy heart.
I am struggling really bad & yet Im trying to act as if Im ok.
Im not ok.
Im fuckin terrified.
I am poweless in this situation & it really really sucks.
Lately I've been worrying about EVERYTHING & EVERYONE.
Did I hurt this ones feelings, did I not show up enough for this one, did I disappoint this person?
I can't do it anymore.
Im human.
I will make mistakes, I will let people down, I will fall short.
Just like the rest of us.
I suppose the ones who see past my faults, the ones who can understand that I'm going through the most difficult situation in my life, the ones who will love me anyway, will be there at the end of the day.
And if they aren't, I will be sad but I will have to carry on.
I cannot allow myself to be consumed with worry.
I've got enough on my plate to worry about.
I can no longer allow everyone else to add to that.
Praying for good news at the Dr today.
Please say a prayer
And in closing.
May Richard Kerzner finally rest in peace.
May his family know that he is no longer suffering & may God give each & everyone of them the strength to get through this.
He had fought long & hard but sadly this disease takes way too many lives.
My heart breaks for my friend as she has already experienced so much loss in her life.
I admire her strength, I admire her ability to continue on, I admire her for so many different reasons.
So today, I ask that whoever reads this, to pray for her.
To keep her in your thoughts & to send loving caring thoughts her way.
My Dad goes back to the Dr today.
I saw him yesterday.
He is so much skinnier.
And all he talks about is how he's lived his life. And how he misses my Uncles.
Its very sad & very depressing.
I know this isn't about me but I can't help but leave with such a heavy heart.
I am struggling really bad & yet Im trying to act as if Im ok.
Im not ok.
Im fuckin terrified.
I am poweless in this situation & it really really sucks.
Lately I've been worrying about EVERYTHING & EVERYONE.
Did I hurt this ones feelings, did I not show up enough for this one, did I disappoint this person?
I can't do it anymore.
Im human.
I will make mistakes, I will let people down, I will fall short.
Just like the rest of us.
I suppose the ones who see past my faults, the ones who can understand that I'm going through the most difficult situation in my life, the ones who will love me anyway, will be there at the end of the day.
And if they aren't, I will be sad but I will have to carry on.
I cannot allow myself to be consumed with worry.
I've got enough on my plate to worry about.
I can no longer allow everyone else to add to that.
Praying for good news at the Dr today.
Please say a prayer
And in closing.
May Richard Kerzner finally rest in peace.
May his family know that he is no longer suffering & may God give each & everyone of them the strength to get through this.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Dr update & some other random stuff
It's been a couple of days since I've written.
Dad had a Dr's apt last week. They took more blood so they can see his "#'s".
I suppose that will act as a base line to see how well the medication is working.
He goes back again on 2/25/14.
He did gain a pound so that's good.
He is starting to feel the effects of the medication.
It's taking a toll on his stomach.
I went to church yesterday.
I was up early & decided maybe it would help.
So I got there are early a lite 2 candles.
One for Dad & the other for the other people who are suffering.
There was something comforting about sitting there.
Grant it, I've spent a lot of time in that church.
So many memories. Some happier then others but still, all very significant moments in many people's lives.
I sat there knowing that I will never get the chance to walk down that aisle with him.
It's really something that I will just have to accept and I guess I wanted to see how I would do sitting there in that situation.
I surprisngly kept it together.
I spent a few hours at Dad's on Saturday. Robert & I were going through things, trying to get rid of any unneccessary papers, clothes, etc.
Of course we came accross lots of funny memories & it was nice for Dad to see us laughing.
One day at a time.
It's really the only way to live.
Dad had a Dr's apt last week. They took more blood so they can see his "#'s".
I suppose that will act as a base line to see how well the medication is working.
He goes back again on 2/25/14.
He did gain a pound so that's good.
He is starting to feel the effects of the medication.
It's taking a toll on his stomach.
I went to church yesterday.
I was up early & decided maybe it would help.
So I got there are early a lite 2 candles.
One for Dad & the other for the other people who are suffering.
There was something comforting about sitting there.
Grant it, I've spent a lot of time in that church.
So many memories. Some happier then others but still, all very significant moments in many people's lives.
I sat there knowing that I will never get the chance to walk down that aisle with him.
It's really something that I will just have to accept and I guess I wanted to see how I would do sitting there in that situation.
I surprisngly kept it together.
I spent a few hours at Dad's on Saturday. Robert & I were going through things, trying to get rid of any unneccessary papers, clothes, etc.
Of course we came accross lots of funny memories & it was nice for Dad to see us laughing.
One day at a time.
It's really the only way to live.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Conversations with Dad
There are certain conversations that are not easy to have.
I'm a big fan of avoidence.
Not a good thing but something I can admitt.
I've been trying to become better at this & I know I've made some improvement.
With all that's going on with Dad, I've been trying to ask questions, I've been saying everything I want him to know.
But there's been this elephant in the room.
A question I had to ask because I really needed to know his thoughts.
And so yesterday, I asked.
Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamt of my wedding day. It wasn't so much about the husband or the "party" but because I really wanted my father to walk me down the aisle.
He didn't get that opportunity with my sister & after that, it became that much more important to me.
It almost didn't matter who the groom was, I wanted my father to experience that moment. He deserved it.
After 2 broken engagements, I feared he would never get that chance.
In speaking with him one day, I said "Dad, you never got the chance to walk me down the aisle, to give me away".
He replied with "Who ever said I wanted to give you away?".
WOW !
( As my oldest brother said, "that was a gift")
Now here we are.
The clock is ticking.
And sadly, I know, the day of Dad walking me down the aisle on my wedding day, will never happen.
I started to think about the day when Dad is no longer here.
I started to think "Do I really want to walk down the aisle with him on the day of his funeral?"
A part of me said "shit, I'll take anything I can get"
And then there is the side of me that said "No, that's not how it was supposed to be & that's not how it's going to be".
But instead of ME making that choice.
I asked him.
I said "I have to ask you something & it's a hard question to ask".
He said "What is it?"
I said " When the time comes, do you want a mass at St.Barnabas or do you want something in the funeral parlor?"
He said "The funeral parlor is fine, I didn't go to church much anyway".
I said "ok"
And the I left to take care of our taxes.
When I came home he said "Now I got a question for you"
I said "Ok, what?"
He said "Where the hell did that question about mass come from?"
I said "Because I've always dreamt of you walking me down the aisle & Im not so sure that's how I wanted it to be. I wanted to know your feelings".
He said "I'd walk down the aisle with you anytime".
Then he went on to say "I worry about you".
I told him he didn't have to worry about me anymore.
He said "Ill worry about you til the day I die. He said your sister is all set, she has her family. Your brother Sam is ok & your brother Robert has this job at Hofstra, it's you I worry about"
God I love that man.
I love him more then any other man in this world & I know NOTHING will ever change that.
When I tell him I love him, he ususally says " I know you do kid".
Besides hearing "I love you too", that's the best answer I could hope for.
For him to KNOW that I love him.
I've learned a lot about myself in these last 2 months.
I've learned that Im not as weak as I sometimes think I am.
I've learned a lot about the people I choose to have in my life & Im re-evalutating each and every relationship I share.
I've learned more about life & I've held on tighter to my faith.
It sucks that our greatest lessons in life usually come from pain. But I suppose that's when we're the most willing. Willing to listen, willing to try, willing to believe & willing to have a little faith.
Today my brother is going to the funeral parlor.
Im sure some people may think we're "jumping the gun" but we are choosing to have things in order so that when the day does come, we won't have to make such hard decisions under the emotional hell we'll be feeling.
He asked me if I wanted to go with him & I said "No".
I cannot pick out my fathers casket. I just cannot do it.
And then this morning I got to thinking.
This isn't "easy" for my brother either.
This is his father too, his best friend.
So I spoke to my brother & told him I would go if he wanted me to.
That everything doesn't have to always fall on him.
He said he could go alone. He said this wasnt as difficult for him.
And that he only asked me because he wanted to keep me involved.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this.
Thank God for the amazing people in my life.
My family & my friends have been my greatest source of strength many times throughout my life. And here they are again. Acting as my pillars, holding me up, keeping me going.
How do you repay someone for that?
How do you fully express your gratitude?
Is saying "thank you" really enough?
Do they know how they've touched my life, my heart?
Do they understand how much I love them & how thankful I am for their constant support?
I sure hope they do.
I hope if I said to them "I love you", that they too would be able to respond with "I know".
This post was all over the place.
Scattered thoughts written down.
Scattered, that pretty much sums up my brain right now.
I'm a big fan of avoidence.
Not a good thing but something I can admitt.
I've been trying to become better at this & I know I've made some improvement.
With all that's going on with Dad, I've been trying to ask questions, I've been saying everything I want him to know.
But there's been this elephant in the room.
A question I had to ask because I really needed to know his thoughts.
And so yesterday, I asked.
Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamt of my wedding day. It wasn't so much about the husband or the "party" but because I really wanted my father to walk me down the aisle.
He didn't get that opportunity with my sister & after that, it became that much more important to me.
It almost didn't matter who the groom was, I wanted my father to experience that moment. He deserved it.
After 2 broken engagements, I feared he would never get that chance.
In speaking with him one day, I said "Dad, you never got the chance to walk me down the aisle, to give me away".
He replied with "Who ever said I wanted to give you away?".
WOW !
( As my oldest brother said, "that was a gift")
Now here we are.
The clock is ticking.
And sadly, I know, the day of Dad walking me down the aisle on my wedding day, will never happen.
I started to think about the day when Dad is no longer here.
I started to think "Do I really want to walk down the aisle with him on the day of his funeral?"
A part of me said "shit, I'll take anything I can get"
And then there is the side of me that said "No, that's not how it was supposed to be & that's not how it's going to be".
But instead of ME making that choice.
I asked him.
I said "I have to ask you something & it's a hard question to ask".
He said "What is it?"
I said " When the time comes, do you want a mass at St.Barnabas or do you want something in the funeral parlor?"
He said "The funeral parlor is fine, I didn't go to church much anyway".
I said "ok"
And the I left to take care of our taxes.
When I came home he said "Now I got a question for you"
I said "Ok, what?"
He said "Where the hell did that question about mass come from?"
I said "Because I've always dreamt of you walking me down the aisle & Im not so sure that's how I wanted it to be. I wanted to know your feelings".
He said "I'd walk down the aisle with you anytime".
Then he went on to say "I worry about you".
I told him he didn't have to worry about me anymore.
He said "Ill worry about you til the day I die. He said your sister is all set, she has her family. Your brother Sam is ok & your brother Robert has this job at Hofstra, it's you I worry about"
God I love that man.
I love him more then any other man in this world & I know NOTHING will ever change that.
When I tell him I love him, he ususally says " I know you do kid".
Besides hearing "I love you too", that's the best answer I could hope for.
For him to KNOW that I love him.
I've learned a lot about myself in these last 2 months.
I've learned that Im not as weak as I sometimes think I am.
I've learned a lot about the people I choose to have in my life & Im re-evalutating each and every relationship I share.
I've learned more about life & I've held on tighter to my faith.
It sucks that our greatest lessons in life usually come from pain. But I suppose that's when we're the most willing. Willing to listen, willing to try, willing to believe & willing to have a little faith.
Today my brother is going to the funeral parlor.
Im sure some people may think we're "jumping the gun" but we are choosing to have things in order so that when the day does come, we won't have to make such hard decisions under the emotional hell we'll be feeling.
He asked me if I wanted to go with him & I said "No".
I cannot pick out my fathers casket. I just cannot do it.
And then this morning I got to thinking.
This isn't "easy" for my brother either.
This is his father too, his best friend.
So I spoke to my brother & told him I would go if he wanted me to.
That everything doesn't have to always fall on him.
He said he could go alone. He said this wasnt as difficult for him.
And that he only asked me because he wanted to keep me involved.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this.
Thank God for the amazing people in my life.
My family & my friends have been my greatest source of strength many times throughout my life. And here they are again. Acting as my pillars, holding me up, keeping me going.
How do you repay someone for that?
How do you fully express your gratitude?
Is saying "thank you" really enough?
Do they know how they've touched my life, my heart?
Do they understand how much I love them & how thankful I am for their constant support?
I sure hope they do.
I hope if I said to them "I love you", that they too would be able to respond with "I know".
This post was all over the place.
Scattered thoughts written down.
Scattered, that pretty much sums up my brain right now.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Dadisms
For anyone who has ever met my Dad, they can tell you he is a "classic".
He's known for his dry sense of humor, his sarcasm ( gee, I wonder where I got it from..lol) & his strange one liners.
Not that I think I'll ever forget them but I want to write some of them down.
If anyone reading this can think of any I have forgotten please tell me.
Im pretty sure he has asked any of my friends the following question. And we all always wondered what the hell he was talking about. Well, we probably thought that with a lot of them :)
"Ya think you'll ever go back?"
"Don't take any wooden nickels"
"Keep your nose clean"
"If I had your money, I'd quit"
"If I had your money, I'd throw mine out"
"Too much ting ting tan tutta"
"Everyday is a new beginning"
"Don't pull any punches"
"Go on home, your mother's got buns"
"Be a straight shooter"
"How much do you charge to haunt a house?"
And then there are my nicknames.
Short pants ( to which I would then call him "long pants" )
Mike
Runt
Stretch
Bag of Bones
The best part about all of these sayings & all of the nick names is, I will have them forever.
Nothing. Not death, not time, not one single thing can ever take them from me.
He's known for his dry sense of humor, his sarcasm ( gee, I wonder where I got it from..lol) & his strange one liners.
Not that I think I'll ever forget them but I want to write some of them down.
If anyone reading this can think of any I have forgotten please tell me.
Im pretty sure he has asked any of my friends the following question. And we all always wondered what the hell he was talking about. Well, we probably thought that with a lot of them :)
"Ya think you'll ever go back?"
"Don't take any wooden nickels"
"Keep your nose clean"
"If I had your money, I'd quit"
"If I had your money, I'd throw mine out"
"Too much ting ting tan tutta"
"Everyday is a new beginning"
"Don't pull any punches"
"Go on home, your mother's got buns"
"Be a straight shooter"
"How much do you charge to haunt a house?"
And then there are my nicknames.
Short pants ( to which I would then call him "long pants" )
Mike
Runt
Stretch
Bag of Bones
The best part about all of these sayings & all of the nick names is, I will have them forever.
Nothing. Not death, not time, not one single thing can ever take them from me.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
"Preparing"
Nicole & I went to Dad's last night.
On the way over there we having a normal regular conversation & I said to her "life is just one big roller coster ride Nik".
And as much as I was saying it TO her, I think I was also reminding myself.
I believe that we're always "preparing" for something, starting as young children.
We prepare to go to school,to get our drivers licenses, to go to college, get married, have children, get a job...etc
But there are certain things that we just can't prepare for.
Even if we have the knowledge or the "notice".
Right now, Im TRYING to prepare myself for the loss of my Dad.
But I know deep in my heart, that his physical absence from this world will effect me like nothing I've ever experienced before.
It doesn't matter that I know he is dying.
It doesn't matter that the Dr has given him 6 months.
None of those facts matter.
But I guess somehow, some way, we survive.
On the way over there we having a normal regular conversation & I said to her "life is just one big roller coster ride Nik".
And as much as I was saying it TO her, I think I was also reminding myself.
I believe that we're always "preparing" for something, starting as young children.
We prepare to go to school,to get our drivers licenses, to go to college, get married, have children, get a job...etc
But there are certain things that we just can't prepare for.
Even if we have the knowledge or the "notice".
Right now, Im TRYING to prepare myself for the loss of my Dad.
But I know deep in my heart, that his physical absence from this world will effect me like nothing I've ever experienced before.
It doesn't matter that I know he is dying.
It doesn't matter that the Dr has given him 6 months.
None of those facts matter.
But I guess somehow, some way, we survive.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Starting Medication
The medicine came yesterday.
I believe Dad started it last night.
I tried calling my brother at work to see how things were but he didn't answer. Im thinking he may have stayed home to see if there were any side effects.
Thank God for my brother.
If it weren't for him, my father would prob be in a nursing home.
Not that I wouldnt care for him but there are some things that I physically cannot do.
I will go there today after work & hopefully the side effects are minimal.
Cancer sucks !
I believe Dad started it last night.
I tried calling my brother at work to see how things were but he didn't answer. Im thinking he may have stayed home to see if there were any side effects.
Thank God for my brother.
If it weren't for him, my father would prob be in a nursing home.
Not that I wouldnt care for him but there are some things that I physically cannot do.
I will go there today after work & hopefully the side effects are minimal.
Cancer sucks !
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Shared the Poem I wrote for Dad
Yeserday I spent some time with Dad. And while I was sitting with him, I asked him if he would like to hear the poem I wrote about him. Of course he said "yes" & so I read it to him the " I will be ok" poem.
It was difficult to read without crying but I did it. And I am so grateful that I did.
So greatful that he heard my words.
He was touched.
Now is the time to say everything I want to say, to tell him everything I want him to know.
As much as this situation sucks, I am beyond grateful to have this opportunity to remind him that he was & still is a wonderful father.
To thank him for all he has ever done for me & all he still continues to do.
I've never had a hard time telling the people in my life that I love them. Not just my father but everyone.
I wish other people could do the same but I have to remember that I am not responsible for anyone else, only myself.
Today, I am grateful for my cheeziness.
It plays a huge role in me having no regrets.
It was difficult to read without crying but I did it. And I am so grateful that I did.
So greatful that he heard my words.
He was touched.
Now is the time to say everything I want to say, to tell him everything I want him to know.
As much as this situation sucks, I am beyond grateful to have this opportunity to remind him that he was & still is a wonderful father.
To thank him for all he has ever done for me & all he still continues to do.
I've never had a hard time telling the people in my life that I love them. Not just my father but everyone.
I wish other people could do the same but I have to remember that I am not responsible for anyone else, only myself.
Today, I am grateful for my cheeziness.
It plays a huge role in me having no regrets.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Dr Apt Update
Despite the nasty weather we had on Tuesday night, Dad's apt was still on for yesterday.
Me, Robert & Ellen were there. Unfortunatly Sam couldn't get here due to all the flight cancellations.
He did however, come in last night.
The results of Dad's cat scan show spots on his lung & liver.
He has metastatic colorectal cancer.
Basically what that means is, the cancer originated in the colon & has now spread to other organs.
The Dr said he has aprox 6 months left.
( My heart broke a little more just typing those words.)
I know that there isn't a crytal ball for them to look into.
I know they could be wrong but just hearing that shook my world.
The Dr said that the only "treatment" they can offer him is a form of chemo in a pill.
I believe the spelling is Xleoda but Ive never been good at spelling & prob didn't get that right.
I just spoke to Robert & Dad has an apt tomorrow at 1:45.
He is going to try the pills.
Dr said the pills work in 1 in 4 people.
When my father asked my brothers last night if he should try it, Robert said "yes".
My dad asked him why & Rob said "because I'd rather have a 1 in 4 chance then a 0 in 4"
My father is a fighter.
Always has been.
And still is.
Im concerned & worried about the side effects.
But I am hopeful that maybe, just maybe, this will buy us a little more time.
As I've said before, no amount of time will ever be enough.
Me, Robert & Ellen were there. Unfortunatly Sam couldn't get here due to all the flight cancellations.
He did however, come in last night.
The results of Dad's cat scan show spots on his lung & liver.
He has metastatic colorectal cancer.
Basically what that means is, the cancer originated in the colon & has now spread to other organs.
The Dr said he has aprox 6 months left.
( My heart broke a little more just typing those words.)
I know that there isn't a crytal ball for them to look into.
I know they could be wrong but just hearing that shook my world.
The Dr said that the only "treatment" they can offer him is a form of chemo in a pill.
I believe the spelling is Xleoda but Ive never been good at spelling & prob didn't get that right.
I just spoke to Robert & Dad has an apt tomorrow at 1:45.
He is going to try the pills.
Dr said the pills work in 1 in 4 people.
When my father asked my brothers last night if he should try it, Robert said "yes".
My dad asked him why & Rob said "because I'd rather have a 1 in 4 chance then a 0 in 4"
My father is a fighter.
Always has been.
And still is.
Im concerned & worried about the side effects.
But I am hopeful that maybe, just maybe, this will buy us a little more time.
As I've said before, no amount of time will ever be enough.
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