For anyone who has ever met my Dad, they can tell you he is a "classic".
He's known for his dry sense of humor, his sarcasm ( gee, I wonder where I got it from..lol) & his strange one liners.
Not that I think I'll ever forget them but I want to write some of them down.
If anyone reading this can think of any I have forgotten please tell me.
Im pretty sure he has asked any of my friends the following question. And we all always wondered what the hell he was talking about. Well, we probably thought that with a lot of them :)
"Ya think you'll ever go back?"
"Don't take any wooden nickels"
"Keep your nose clean"
"If I had your money, I'd quit"
"If I had your money, I'd throw mine out"
"Too much ting ting tan tutta"
"Everyday is a new beginning"
"Don't pull any punches"
"Go on home, your mother's got buns"
"Be a straight shooter"
"How much do you charge to haunt a house?"
And then there are my nicknames.
Short pants ( to which I would then call him "long pants" )
Mike
Runt
Stretch
Bag of Bones
The best part about all of these sayings & all of the nick names is, I will have them forever.
Nothing. Not death, not time, not one single thing can ever take them from me.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
"Preparing"
Nicole & I went to Dad's last night.
On the way over there we having a normal regular conversation & I said to her "life is just one big roller coster ride Nik".
And as much as I was saying it TO her, I think I was also reminding myself.
I believe that we're always "preparing" for something, starting as young children.
We prepare to go to school,to get our drivers licenses, to go to college, get married, have children, get a job...etc
But there are certain things that we just can't prepare for.
Even if we have the knowledge or the "notice".
Right now, Im TRYING to prepare myself for the loss of my Dad.
But I know deep in my heart, that his physical absence from this world will effect me like nothing I've ever experienced before.
It doesn't matter that I know he is dying.
It doesn't matter that the Dr has given him 6 months.
None of those facts matter.
But I guess somehow, some way, we survive.
On the way over there we having a normal regular conversation & I said to her "life is just one big roller coster ride Nik".
And as much as I was saying it TO her, I think I was also reminding myself.
I believe that we're always "preparing" for something, starting as young children.
We prepare to go to school,to get our drivers licenses, to go to college, get married, have children, get a job...etc
But there are certain things that we just can't prepare for.
Even if we have the knowledge or the "notice".
Right now, Im TRYING to prepare myself for the loss of my Dad.
But I know deep in my heart, that his physical absence from this world will effect me like nothing I've ever experienced before.
It doesn't matter that I know he is dying.
It doesn't matter that the Dr has given him 6 months.
None of those facts matter.
But I guess somehow, some way, we survive.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Starting Medication
The medicine came yesterday.
I believe Dad started it last night.
I tried calling my brother at work to see how things were but he didn't answer. Im thinking he may have stayed home to see if there were any side effects.
Thank God for my brother.
If it weren't for him, my father would prob be in a nursing home.
Not that I wouldnt care for him but there are some things that I physically cannot do.
I will go there today after work & hopefully the side effects are minimal.
Cancer sucks !
I believe Dad started it last night.
I tried calling my brother at work to see how things were but he didn't answer. Im thinking he may have stayed home to see if there were any side effects.
Thank God for my brother.
If it weren't for him, my father would prob be in a nursing home.
Not that I wouldnt care for him but there are some things that I physically cannot do.
I will go there today after work & hopefully the side effects are minimal.
Cancer sucks !
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Shared the Poem I wrote for Dad
Yeserday I spent some time with Dad. And while I was sitting with him, I asked him if he would like to hear the poem I wrote about him. Of course he said "yes" & so I read it to him the " I will be ok" poem.
It was difficult to read without crying but I did it. And I am so grateful that I did.
So greatful that he heard my words.
He was touched.
Now is the time to say everything I want to say, to tell him everything I want him to know.
As much as this situation sucks, I am beyond grateful to have this opportunity to remind him that he was & still is a wonderful father.
To thank him for all he has ever done for me & all he still continues to do.
I've never had a hard time telling the people in my life that I love them. Not just my father but everyone.
I wish other people could do the same but I have to remember that I am not responsible for anyone else, only myself.
Today, I am grateful for my cheeziness.
It plays a huge role in me having no regrets.
It was difficult to read without crying but I did it. And I am so grateful that I did.
So greatful that he heard my words.
He was touched.
Now is the time to say everything I want to say, to tell him everything I want him to know.
As much as this situation sucks, I am beyond grateful to have this opportunity to remind him that he was & still is a wonderful father.
To thank him for all he has ever done for me & all he still continues to do.
I've never had a hard time telling the people in my life that I love them. Not just my father but everyone.
I wish other people could do the same but I have to remember that I am not responsible for anyone else, only myself.
Today, I am grateful for my cheeziness.
It plays a huge role in me having no regrets.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Dr Apt Update
Despite the nasty weather we had on Tuesday night, Dad's apt was still on for yesterday.
Me, Robert & Ellen were there. Unfortunatly Sam couldn't get here due to all the flight cancellations.
He did however, come in last night.
The results of Dad's cat scan show spots on his lung & liver.
He has metastatic colorectal cancer.
Basically what that means is, the cancer originated in the colon & has now spread to other organs.
The Dr said he has aprox 6 months left.
( My heart broke a little more just typing those words.)
I know that there isn't a crytal ball for them to look into.
I know they could be wrong but just hearing that shook my world.
The Dr said that the only "treatment" they can offer him is a form of chemo in a pill.
I believe the spelling is Xleoda but Ive never been good at spelling & prob didn't get that right.
I just spoke to Robert & Dad has an apt tomorrow at 1:45.
He is going to try the pills.
Dr said the pills work in 1 in 4 people.
When my father asked my brothers last night if he should try it, Robert said "yes".
My dad asked him why & Rob said "because I'd rather have a 1 in 4 chance then a 0 in 4"
My father is a fighter.
Always has been.
And still is.
Im concerned & worried about the side effects.
But I am hopeful that maybe, just maybe, this will buy us a little more time.
As I've said before, no amount of time will ever be enough.
Me, Robert & Ellen were there. Unfortunatly Sam couldn't get here due to all the flight cancellations.
He did however, come in last night.
The results of Dad's cat scan show spots on his lung & liver.
He has metastatic colorectal cancer.
Basically what that means is, the cancer originated in the colon & has now spread to other organs.
The Dr said he has aprox 6 months left.
( My heart broke a little more just typing those words.)
I know that there isn't a crytal ball for them to look into.
I know they could be wrong but just hearing that shook my world.
The Dr said that the only "treatment" they can offer him is a form of chemo in a pill.
I believe the spelling is Xleoda but Ive never been good at spelling & prob didn't get that right.
I just spoke to Robert & Dad has an apt tomorrow at 1:45.
He is going to try the pills.
Dr said the pills work in 1 in 4 people.
When my father asked my brothers last night if he should try it, Robert said "yes".
My dad asked him why & Rob said "because I'd rather have a 1 in 4 chance then a 0 in 4"
My father is a fighter.
Always has been.
And still is.
Im concerned & worried about the side effects.
But I am hopeful that maybe, just maybe, this will buy us a little more time.
As I've said before, no amount of time will ever be enough.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
A perfect poem for this trying time
Erin sent this to me the other day & it really touched my heart.
It is just SO SO appropriate, I have to share it here.
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying...you found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear.
"It's me, I haven't left you...I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea.
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you that I am not lying there.
I walked with you toward the house, as you fumbled for your key,
I gently put my paw on you. I smiled and said, "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over...I smile and watch you yawning
And say, "Goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we will stand, side-by-side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.
(--Author Unknown--)
It is just SO SO appropriate, I have to share it here.
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying...you found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear.
"It's me, I haven't left you...I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea.
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you that I am not lying there.
I walked with you toward the house, as you fumbled for your key,
I gently put my paw on you. I smiled and said, "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over...I smile and watch you yawning
And say, "Goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we will stand, side-by-side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.
(--Author Unknown--)
Recap of the weekend
Back to work after a nice 3 day weekend.
Friday I didn't see Dad.
Patti & Erin came over Friday night, it was so nice to spend time with the 2 of them.
Saturday, Steve & I went to my father's & it was so nice to have Steve & Robert in the same room again. Sam was in so it was all the men in my life hanging out for a little while.
Sam was telling a story about my father when I had 2 cats. It was so nice to see my Dad laughing.
Sunday, I cooked dinner for me, Steve, Nicole, Dad, Rob, Aunt El & my cousin Charlie.
I've never cooked for that many ppl so I was little nervous that I wouldnt have enough but it turned out great.
And the best part was to see my Dad muching down some sausage & peppers.
Monday I went over for a littl while. Robert has been playing a lot of old video's. I could watch them all day. As much as we all bitched when he had the camera out, I am so so grateful that he did.
My father & I were watching them the other night & my Dad said to me "we had a lot of good times". I said "yes we did Dad, ya did good".
And he did !
This whole situation is so strange.
As much as it down right sucks, I feel like I'm already learning so much.
I feel like I truly appreciate everyone in my life.
I feel like Im taking in every moment with every person, not just Dad.
Dad has a Dr apt tomorrow but we are getting a snow storm today & who knows how the roads will be.
Not that any of us really want to go this apt.
In fact, Sam is supp to be flying in tonight so that he could be with us tomorrow but I highly doubt he will be able to get here.
I suppose what's meant to be will be.
And the journey continues.......
Friday I didn't see Dad.
Patti & Erin came over Friday night, it was so nice to spend time with the 2 of them.
Saturday, Steve & I went to my father's & it was so nice to have Steve & Robert in the same room again. Sam was in so it was all the men in my life hanging out for a little while.
Sam was telling a story about my father when I had 2 cats. It was so nice to see my Dad laughing.
Sunday, I cooked dinner for me, Steve, Nicole, Dad, Rob, Aunt El & my cousin Charlie.
I've never cooked for that many ppl so I was little nervous that I wouldnt have enough but it turned out great.
And the best part was to see my Dad muching down some sausage & peppers.
Monday I went over for a littl while. Robert has been playing a lot of old video's. I could watch them all day. As much as we all bitched when he had the camera out, I am so so grateful that he did.
My father & I were watching them the other night & my Dad said to me "we had a lot of good times". I said "yes we did Dad, ya did good".
And he did !
This whole situation is so strange.
As much as it down right sucks, I feel like I'm already learning so much.
I feel like I truly appreciate everyone in my life.
I feel like Im taking in every moment with every person, not just Dad.
Dad has a Dr apt tomorrow but we are getting a snow storm today & who knows how the roads will be.
Not that any of us really want to go this apt.
In fact, Sam is supp to be flying in tonight so that he could be with us tomorrow but I highly doubt he will be able to get here.
I suppose what's meant to be will be.
And the journey continues.......
Thursday, January 16, 2014
I will be ok
I will be ok.
I will be ok because I know he wouldn't want me to fall apart.
I will be ok because he taught me that Im stronger then I think.
I will be ok because he showed me how to get back up after being knocked down.
I will be ok because I am his daughter.
I will be ok because I have to be there for my daughter.
I will be ok because I have no regrets.
I will be ok because he knows that I love him.
I will be ok because I know he loves me too.
I will be ok because I want to make him proud.
I will be ok because I know he will always be with me.
I will be ok because someday I will be with him again & we will never have to say goodbye.
I will be ok because I know he wouldn't want me to fall apart.
I will be ok because he taught me that Im stronger then I think.
I will be ok because he showed me how to get back up after being knocked down.
I will be ok because I am his daughter.
I will be ok because I have to be there for my daughter.
I will be ok because I have no regrets.
I will be ok because he knows that I love him.
I will be ok because I know he loves me too.
I will be ok because I want to make him proud.
I will be ok because I know he will always be with me.
I will be ok because someday I will be with him again & we will never have to say goodbye.
Dad's results
We got Dad's results last night.
Robert finally called the Dr because we hadn't heard anything.
As we all expected, the cancer has spread.
We aren't sure exactly to where & as much as we all sorta knew this, hearing it broke my heart a little more.
He goes back to see the Dr on Wed 1/22/14
Im trying my hardest to stay strong.
To appreciate the time I have with him, to take it all in.
I was with him & Rob last night.
Dad wanted chicken wings so I went & got him 2 orders.
He ate 15 of them !
I looked at him & he was licking his fingers like he was in paradise.
It was funny & it's a vision I will never forget.
Im amazed by this whole "journey".
How strange & surreal it all is.
One minute Im ok, Im laughing & going about life. And in the next minute I am crying my eyes out.
Robert finally called the Dr because we hadn't heard anything.
As we all expected, the cancer has spread.
We aren't sure exactly to where & as much as we all sorta knew this, hearing it broke my heart a little more.
He goes back to see the Dr on Wed 1/22/14
Im trying my hardest to stay strong.
To appreciate the time I have with him, to take it all in.
I was with him & Rob last night.
Dad wanted chicken wings so I went & got him 2 orders.
He ate 15 of them !
I looked at him & he was licking his fingers like he was in paradise.
It was funny & it's a vision I will never forget.
Im amazed by this whole "journey".
How strange & surreal it all is.
One minute Im ok, Im laughing & going about life. And in the next minute I am crying my eyes out.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
can't think of a "title"
We are still waiting for Dad's test results.
The waiting is torture but maybe it's a blessing.
I dont know.
I dont know much actually.
Everything is weird, everything is happening way too fast.
I came accross this on another blog & found the words to be comforting.
There will be days when the tears become waterfalls upon your cheeks Feelings cascading down your skin soaking you to the bone, to your soul.There will be nights when you are so overcome with the weight of being alive that you cannot sleep. You turn and toss in the sea of bed sheets. There will be years when the emotions you held in for so long, for too long, breakthrough in waves and currents that you have not yet learned to swim in.
Breathe my love. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be emotional. It’s okay to sit with the feelings and try to understand them. It’s okay to let them hug your body for a while, till you are ready for them to let go. And if it takes longer than most to say goodbye that’s okay. You feel what you feel till you don’t feel it anymore. It takes time. You will not drown in the ocean of emotion. You will float on your back and feel it all, every ripple, every wave as the sun leans in to kiss away your tears.
I am scared.
The waiting is torture but maybe it's a blessing.
I dont know.
I dont know much actually.
Everything is weird, everything is happening way too fast.
I came accross this on another blog & found the words to be comforting.
There will be days when the tears become waterfalls upon your cheeks Feelings cascading down your skin soaking you to the bone, to your soul.There will be nights when you are so overcome with the weight of being alive that you cannot sleep. You turn and toss in the sea of bed sheets. There will be years when the emotions you held in for so long, for too long, breakthrough in waves and currents that you have not yet learned to swim in.
Breathe my love. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be emotional. It’s okay to sit with the feelings and try to understand them. It’s okay to let them hug your body for a while, till you are ready for them to let go. And if it takes longer than most to say goodbye that’s okay. You feel what you feel till you don’t feel it anymore. It takes time. You will not drown in the ocean of emotion. You will float on your back and feel it all, every ripple, every wave as the sun leans in to kiss away your tears.
I am scared.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
Words nobody ever wants hear.
On Monday night, January 6, 2014, my sister Ellen called me.
I was watching my shows & didn't want to answer, but I did.
She had spoken to the oncologist.
The Dr told my sister that my father is in the "final stages".
She wouldnt be surprised if the cancer was now in his lymph nodes. She said surgery is not an option & that radiation would not pro long his life.
He has what is called "Sister Mary Joseph nodule".
Ellen asked her about a time frame. To which she said she could not give & that we would know more after his tests.
Hearing the words "final" broke my heart.
I don't think I've ever been so scared in all my life.
I am terrified.
My world has been safe because my father has been in it.
I just cannot imagine a life without him.
I broke the news to Nicole and as I expected, she lost it.
She has shared a very special relationship with my Dad.
In a sense he was like a father figure to her too.
This is all so surreal.
I feel like Im watching this all happen.
I am trying my hardest to be strong, to be level headed, to be the woman my father would be proud of.
But I am broken.
I am like a scared little girl who just wants her Daddy to make it all better.
He goes for the cat scan tomorrow.
The Dr will have those results within in a few days.
I don't know how much more time he has left here. It will never be enough anyway.
I think going forward all I can do is spend time with him, tell him how much I love him & pray that he is just as proud to call me his daughter as I am to call him my father.
I was watching my shows & didn't want to answer, but I did.
She had spoken to the oncologist.
The Dr told my sister that my father is in the "final stages".
She wouldnt be surprised if the cancer was now in his lymph nodes. She said surgery is not an option & that radiation would not pro long his life.
He has what is called "Sister Mary Joseph nodule".
Ellen asked her about a time frame. To which she said she could not give & that we would know more after his tests.
Hearing the words "final" broke my heart.
I don't think I've ever been so scared in all my life.
I am terrified.
My world has been safe because my father has been in it.
I just cannot imagine a life without him.
I broke the news to Nicole and as I expected, she lost it.
She has shared a very special relationship with my Dad.
In a sense he was like a father figure to her too.
This is all so surreal.
I feel like Im watching this all happen.
I am trying my hardest to be strong, to be level headed, to be the woman my father would be proud of.
But I am broken.
I am like a scared little girl who just wants her Daddy to make it all better.
He goes for the cat scan tomorrow.
The Dr will have those results within in a few days.
I don't know how much more time he has left here. It will never be enough anyway.
I think going forward all I can do is spend time with him, tell him how much I love him & pray that he is just as proud to call me his daughter as I am to call him my father.
The beginning of my worst nightmare
On December 26,2013, my family recieved the news that my father has cancer.
My Dad has a long history of medical issues, some include, open heart surgery, a couple of strokes & colin cancer.
And I cannot forget, polio.
I have a couple of blogs but this one alone, is going to be about him.
If you know me, you know what my father means to me.
He is my rock, my biggest supporter, my friend, the greatest man I will ever know.
My brother got the news on Christmas Eve but decided to keep it to himself so that the rest of us could enjoy the holiday.
I can't say I was surprised by it but it was obviously not what we were hoping for.
He met with the oncologist on January 2, 2014.
As I expected, he has to go for more tests. A cat scan with the dye & some more specific blood work.
I have surprisngly been able to "keep it together".
I have not let him see me cry, I don't want him to worry about me.
I wouldn't call it denial, I know this happening but there is a part of me that doesn't want to "lose it" until we really know what we're dealing with.
How far advanced? What kind exactly?
This is new for me.
My usual reaction would be to just fall apart.
I don't know if it's getting older or just having a little more common sense but falling apart just doesn't seem like an option.
As I've said to some friends, Im trying to handle this like a mature adult & not an emtionally child.
We'll see how well I can continue to do so.
He goes for his cat scan this upcoming Saturday - Jan 11th
My Dad has a long history of medical issues, some include, open heart surgery, a couple of strokes & colin cancer.
And I cannot forget, polio.
I have a couple of blogs but this one alone, is going to be about him.
If you know me, you know what my father means to me.
He is my rock, my biggest supporter, my friend, the greatest man I will ever know.
My brother got the news on Christmas Eve but decided to keep it to himself so that the rest of us could enjoy the holiday.
I can't say I was surprised by it but it was obviously not what we were hoping for.
He met with the oncologist on January 2, 2014.
As I expected, he has to go for more tests. A cat scan with the dye & some more specific blood work.
I have surprisngly been able to "keep it together".
I have not let him see me cry, I don't want him to worry about me.
I wouldn't call it denial, I know this happening but there is a part of me that doesn't want to "lose it" until we really know what we're dealing with.
How far advanced? What kind exactly?
This is new for me.
My usual reaction would be to just fall apart.
I don't know if it's getting older or just having a little more common sense but falling apart just doesn't seem like an option.
As I've said to some friends, Im trying to handle this like a mature adult & not an emtionally child.
We'll see how well I can continue to do so.
He goes for his cat scan this upcoming Saturday - Jan 11th
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