Today is September 24th.
That means that today marks 4 months without you.
4 months.
Seems like such a long time but I know it's really not.
It's just been TOO long since I've seen you ( not pictures of you but YOU ), it's been too long since I've heard your voice, kissed your head, held your hand.
Words just don't do any justice when trying to explain the depth of this hurt.
The 24th always reminded me of Nicole. As she was born on Novemeber 24th.
Now it's a bittersweet date.
In fact, on Nicole's 20th birthday, you will be gone for 6 months. That's half a year !
Im really not looking forward to the holidays.
Im dreading them.
I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think of them.
I know Im not alone in this.
I know the first of everything is hard.
Nothing is the same.
And Im not surprised.
Your presence was so strong, your absence maybe even stronger.
Please continue to guide me, to give me strength & to show your signs.
I need them Dad.
But I def need you more.
Happy 4 Months in Heaven. I hope you're having a ball
I love you more then words.
Forever
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Monday, September 22, 2014
Missing you so much
When people say grief comes in waves, they sure weren't kidding.
Although you are on my mind so often, I am still taken back by the overwhelming feelings of sadness & of missing you.
Today happens to be one of those moments where the pain feels so intense.
As if everything happened only yesterday.
I know I need to be more patient with myself ( I've heard that from quite a few people. Easier said then done).
I know it's only been 4 months. Well 4 months in 2 days.
And that really 4 months isn't a whole lot of time.
I wish I could find the right words to REALLY express how I feel but there aren't any.
Im not in denial, I know that for sure.
Im not neccessarily angry. I know you were suffering towards the end & how could I possibly be angry that you no longer are?
I know I AM sad & yes, depressed but Im trying so God damn hard to just keep pushing forward.
I guess some days are easier to do that then others.
And I think the moments of sadness that I feel are so frigen intense they physically hurt.
You really were my "go to" guy. My friend, my buddy.
The one who would ALWAYS listen & ALWAYS give me the best advice you could.
You were NEVER too busy for me.
You were always willing to help me in any way you possibly could. It didn't matter in what capacity. Wether it be an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on.
I'm grateful that we shared the relationship we did.
Because of that, I know everything you would tell me to do.
I just wish I could hear you speak the words.
I know someone doesn't want to hear me speak of you "all the time".
It breaks my heart.
I cannot get into details on here but I pray this person comes to realize how important it is to me to talk about you.
I had the bereavment group once. The following week the counselor was sick & this week is the jewish holiday so we don't meet.
I can't tell just yet if it's going to help but I'm holding onto hope that it will.
As always, I miss you Dad.
And I really wish this was just one horrible nightmare.
Because that's sure how it feels.
Although you are on my mind so often, I am still taken back by the overwhelming feelings of sadness & of missing you.
Today happens to be one of those moments where the pain feels so intense.
As if everything happened only yesterday.
I know I need to be more patient with myself ( I've heard that from quite a few people. Easier said then done).
I know it's only been 4 months. Well 4 months in 2 days.
And that really 4 months isn't a whole lot of time.
I wish I could find the right words to REALLY express how I feel but there aren't any.
Im not in denial, I know that for sure.
Im not neccessarily angry. I know you were suffering towards the end & how could I possibly be angry that you no longer are?
I know I AM sad & yes, depressed but Im trying so God damn hard to just keep pushing forward.
I guess some days are easier to do that then others.
And I think the moments of sadness that I feel are so frigen intense they physically hurt.
You really were my "go to" guy. My friend, my buddy.
The one who would ALWAYS listen & ALWAYS give me the best advice you could.
You were NEVER too busy for me.
You were always willing to help me in any way you possibly could. It didn't matter in what capacity. Wether it be an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on.
I'm grateful that we shared the relationship we did.
Because of that, I know everything you would tell me to do.
I just wish I could hear you speak the words.
I know someone doesn't want to hear me speak of you "all the time".
It breaks my heart.
I cannot get into details on here but I pray this person comes to realize how important it is to me to talk about you.
I had the bereavment group once. The following week the counselor was sick & this week is the jewish holiday so we don't meet.
I can't tell just yet if it's going to help but I'm holding onto hope that it will.
As always, I miss you Dad.
And I really wish this was just one horrible nightmare.
Because that's sure how it feels.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
This past weekend, Nicole, Robert & myself all went to Vermont to celebrate Robert's birthday & to spend some quality time together.
We had a really nice time & made memories that we will have forever.
I've learned to really value memories, as I know, in the end, that's all we really have.
Here are a couple of pics from the weekend.
ny of
We had a really nice time & made memories that we will have forever.
I've learned to really value memories, as I know, in the end, that's all we really have.
Here are a couple of pics from the weekend.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Remembering
Today is Sept 11th.
A day that nobody will ever forget.
A day that changed this world forever.
13 years ago yet it feels like only yesterday.
Tomorrow is Robert's 51st birthday.
Words can't describe how grateful I am that he didn't take that job where he was supposed to be at Windows of the world on this day 13 years ago.
I truly believe his mother was his guardian angel. I don't believe in coincedences.
I believe in fate & I've always believed in angels.
Tomorrow, Robert, Nicole & I are heading to Vermont.
To celebrate his birthday & to spend some quality time together.
I know you would be so happy about that.
Last year you & him attempted to go but you didn't feel well & you came home.
Tomorrow we will go & we will not only celebrate his birthday but we will also remember the times you were there & the memories you & he ( and Nicole) shared there.
As always, I miss you Dad.
And tonight I start my first bereavment group.
I'm looking forward to being around other people who understand the magnitude of this loss. The loss of a parent.
I have an amazing group of people who I know love me & who would do just about anything for me. Thank God for them, they have been my angels here on earth. I am blessed to have them & beyond grateful for their constant love & support.
But there is something different about being with people who have been through it, who really truly "get it".
And these new people who I haven't met yet are at the same point that I'm at.
We're all about 3 months into this grief process.
Oh how I wish you were coming with us tomorrow. But I know you will be with us in spirit & I know you would be smiling to see the 3 of us spending time together. And I know you would be happy that Robert will be with 2 people who love him so much on his birthday.
As the world reflects back on this day, I will also reflect back on all the amazing memories we shared. And I will always always always remember you with love.
A day that nobody will ever forget.
A day that changed this world forever.
13 years ago yet it feels like only yesterday.
Tomorrow is Robert's 51st birthday.
Words can't describe how grateful I am that he didn't take that job where he was supposed to be at Windows of the world on this day 13 years ago.
I truly believe his mother was his guardian angel. I don't believe in coincedences.
I believe in fate & I've always believed in angels.
Tomorrow, Robert, Nicole & I are heading to Vermont.
To celebrate his birthday & to spend some quality time together.
I know you would be so happy about that.
Last year you & him attempted to go but you didn't feel well & you came home.
Tomorrow we will go & we will not only celebrate his birthday but we will also remember the times you were there & the memories you & he ( and Nicole) shared there.
As always, I miss you Dad.
And tonight I start my first bereavment group.
I'm looking forward to being around other people who understand the magnitude of this loss. The loss of a parent.
I have an amazing group of people who I know love me & who would do just about anything for me. Thank God for them, they have been my angels here on earth. I am blessed to have them & beyond grateful for their constant love & support.
But there is something different about being with people who have been through it, who really truly "get it".
And these new people who I haven't met yet are at the same point that I'm at.
We're all about 3 months into this grief process.
Oh how I wish you were coming with us tomorrow. But I know you will be with us in spirit & I know you would be smiling to see the 3 of us spending time together. And I know you would be happy that Robert will be with 2 people who love him so much on his birthday.
As the world reflects back on this day, I will also reflect back on all the amazing memories we shared. And I will always always always remember you with love.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
"Those" moments...
I miss you Dad.
So so much, it physically hurts.
I've had some of "those" moments.
The ones when something happens, good or bad & I want to call you.
The ones that are like a kick to the stomach. They can bring you to your knees.
I miss your voice.
I miss your advice.
I miss your daily calls.
I miss so many things about you Dad.
Things I never even thought of before you were gone.
I begin a bereavment group next week.
I have nothing to lose by going & seeing how it goes.
Maybe I'll find some comfort there, who knows.
The only thing I'm sure of is that this pain is not getting any easier to deal with.
Im trying to continue living as you would want me to do.
Im trying to be a better person as I now know all too well how quickly life can change. How quickly the people we love can be gone from our lives.
But Im also struggling. That is the truth. Not struggling like I did in the past. Thank God. Im just having a hard time without you. Im going through the motions as Im expected to do.
It's like living with a constant broken heart.
And it will never be whole again. Not until we are all reunited & we never have to say goodbye again.
Forever in heart Dad.
So so much, it physically hurts.
I've had some of "those" moments.
The ones when something happens, good or bad & I want to call you.
The ones that are like a kick to the stomach. They can bring you to your knees.
I miss your voice.
I miss your advice.
I miss your daily calls.
I miss so many things about you Dad.
Things I never even thought of before you were gone.
I begin a bereavment group next week.
I have nothing to lose by going & seeing how it goes.
Maybe I'll find some comfort there, who knows.
The only thing I'm sure of is that this pain is not getting any easier to deal with.
Im trying to continue living as you would want me to do.
Im trying to be a better person as I now know all too well how quickly life can change. How quickly the people we love can be gone from our lives.
But Im also struggling. That is the truth. Not struggling like I did in the past. Thank God. Im just having a hard time without you. Im going through the motions as Im expected to do.
It's like living with a constant broken heart.
And it will never be whole again. Not until we are all reunited & we never have to say goodbye again.
Forever in heart Dad.
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