Missing you so much

When people say grief comes in waves, they sure weren't kidding.

Although you are on my mind so often, I am still taken back by the overwhelming feelings of sadness & of missing you.

Today happens to be one of those moments where the pain feels so intense.
As if everything happened only yesterday.
I know I need to be more patient with myself ( I've heard that from quite a few people. Easier said then done).
I know it's only been 4 months. Well 4 months in 2 days.
And that really 4 months isn't a whole lot of time.

I wish I could find the right words to REALLY express how I feel but there aren't any.
Im not in denial, I know that for sure.
Im not neccessarily angry. I know you were suffering towards the end & how could I possibly be angry that you no longer are?
I know I AM sad & yes, depressed but Im trying so God damn hard to just keep pushing forward.
I guess some days are easier to do that then others.

And I think the moments of sadness that I feel are so frigen intense they physically hurt.

You really were my "go to" guy. My friend, my buddy.
The one who would ALWAYS listen & ALWAYS give me the best advice you could.
You were NEVER too busy for me.
You were always willing to help me in any way you possibly could. It didn't matter in what capacity. Wether it be an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on.

I'm grateful that we shared the relationship we did.
Because of that, I know everything you would tell me to do.
I just wish I could hear you speak the words.

I know someone doesn't want to hear me speak of you "all the time".
It breaks my heart.
I cannot get into details on here but I pray this person comes to realize how important it is to me to talk about you.

I had the bereavment group once. The following week the counselor was sick & this week is the jewish holiday so we don't meet.
I can't tell just yet if it's going to help but I'm holding onto hope that it will.

As always, I miss you Dad.
And I really wish this was just one horrible nightmare.
Because that's sure how it feels.