My Birthday

I forgot to post for my birthday.
I spent the night with Dad, Nicole & Robert.
Just how I wanted it.
With some of the most important people in my life.
The days of going to the bar to celebrate are no longer important.
Spending time with the ones I love is now so much more appealing, so much more meaningful.

Here are a couple of pics that Dad & I took. And one with 2 of my favorites.

Easter 2014

Yesterday was Easter.
I was so grateful to have another holiday with my father.
Sadly I think we all know that this would prob be his last.

It was a nice day.
Quiet but nice.

I went over around 1 and saw Ellen, Geno, Gabriella & Nicholas.
Then Colleen & Sue came by.

After they all left, Robert & I hung out with Dad.
Nicole came over for a little while.

In talking with my father, he told me he was glad he made my birthday & now the holiday.
He says some things that kinda weird me out but I suppose it's all a part of the journey.
He was talking out loud to Janet.
Telling her that he had a "good one" here, pointing at me.

He is in so much pain it breaks my heart to see him suffer.

I didn't sleep well last night, again.
People in my family tend to die or be born on holidays.
I was scared I was going to get a phone call.
Then again, I live with that fear everyday.
And yes, Im aware that I could get that call about anyone but right now, Im super sensative to it.

Here are a couple of pics from yesterday.
Not the greatest but better the none.

Thank You

I want to thank you for all you have done.
For me, for Nicole & for our family.

Because of you, I am where I am today.
Because of your belief in me & because of your unconditonal love, I have accomplished all that I have.

Thank you Dad.
Thank you for always standing by me.
Thank you for always believing in me.
Thank you for never giving up on me.
Thank you for your constant support.
Thank you for loving me no matter what.
Thank you for giving me all of the opportunites that you have.

I could never really thank you enough for all that you have done.

From helping me with Nicole to just always being present.

You are and always be my hero.

Suffering

My heart is hurting so badly.
My father is suffering & it is killing me to watch.
I prayed that he wouldn't suffer & he is.

I was there yesterday & he can barely walk.
He is pushing himself just to get to the bathroom.
He is a man of pride, he WILL push himself.
But it is obvious to see that this will not go on for much longer.

I left in tears.
I left praying to God that he will just take my father in his sleep.

I cannot believe I'm praying for God to take him.

That alone breaks me.
But I cannot ask God to keep him here in this condition.

It kills me to see him like this.
As much as I want Nicole to spend more time with him, I know she will not be able to handle seeing him like this.

Its amazing how as a situation changes so will our prayers.

Im praying for strength because God knows, Im going to need it.

How?

I don't even know where to begin.
I don't think I've ever felt this way.
I don't think I've ever been so afraid.

How am I going to live without him in my life?
How am I going to survive without hearing his voice?

I am trying to be strong.
And in some moments, I even believe I am.
But in a matter of seconds that all goes away.
And I break down.

I just cannot imagine a life without my father.

My Dad.
My biggest fan.
My biggest supporter.
My rock.

I know he would want me to be happy.
I know he would want me to make him proud.

And I will try.
But I don't know how good Im gonna do.

Praying For Strength

Aside from the very first post I wrote, this is prob going to just as hard if not harder.

Dad saw the oncologist last week & sadly, his blood work indicates that the cancer is advancing. The chemo pills he was taking are no longer helping.

The Dr wanted my father to go in for a cat scan & originally he said he would but he would only do the one where they inject the dye.
He didn't want to drink that stuff because it made him sick last time.
Without him doing the full test, the Dr wouldn't get an accurate report but she was willing to take whatever she could get.

Dad decided he no longer wanted to do anymore tests.
He doesn't want to see anymore Dr's.

I can't blame him.

He has fought so hard, for so long, enough is enough.

He is now receiving hospice care.
They are delievering a bed today.
A bed in the living room.

This is all happening so fast yet it also feels like slow motion.

I am terrified for the future.
I am scared as hell to imagine life without him