it's been awhile

It's been awhile since I've written.
And not because things have been quiet. Far from it actually.

You're 1 year of being gone is quickly approaching. I can't believe it's been one full year since I've seen you, spoken to you, or hugged you.
I can't believe how fast the time has gone and yet each day seems like so long.

Nicole & I are going to Florida for that day.
Just to get away & relax. We sure need it.
I know Dad, "don't lay in the sun, you'll fry like a piece of bacon".
"Keep an eye on each other".
I know exactly what you would say & I treasure that. It truly is a gift.

Sadly on May 1, 2015, I lost a friend who was like a brother.
You remember Brian.
He loved you. He looked up to you & would often tell me that you were his hero.
He would text me during the cardinal games & would often check in on me after you passed away.
I know if you were still here & I told you of this, you would say "that's too damn young". Especially knowing that he left behind 2 small children.

Please continue to be my angel.
I miss you more with each passing day.

Until we meet again Dad, my friend, my rock - I LOVE YOU !

9 Months !!!!

9 Long Months !

That's how long it's been since I've seen you, talked to you, held your hand or heard your voice.

People say "time heals all wounds", well, I think that's bullshit.

When you love someone as much as I loved you, 9 months is a long fuckin time & it only makes my heart hurt even more.

I've tried to do my best of "moving on", "moving forward", making you proud.
Maybe I have at times but I know for sure I've had my share of set backs.

A lot has happened in these past 9 months.
Some things I just can't write on here because not everyone knows.

But I know that YOU know !
You guided me, gave me strength & gave me hope.

I have been scared, I have been down right terrified but I had to hold it all in.

I wonder how much longer til I get to see you again.
Im not rushing my life away. Im sure I have some pretty wonderful things in store but God Damn it Dad, I can't take it.

Words cant even begin to express the depth of my pain.

I know you're still protecting me

Hi Dad,
God I miss you so much.
But I wanted to thank you.
There is no doubt in my mind that you are still looking out for me. I have proof & I am beyond grateful.
I can't & I won't write about specifics, it's personal & not something I wish to share with anyone.
But I know you heard my prayers, my pleas for help, my desperation.
And I know between you & God, you took control.


I love you just as much today as when you were still here with us.
In fact, I may love you even more.
As "they" say "absence makes the heart grow fonder".


I love you Dad - so so much

A New Year.

Well Dad, here it is, 2015.

No doubt that 2014 was the hardest one I've ever faced but there is something bittersweet about beginning this new year. You will never know one single thing that has or will happened.
That makes me sad.
I know you're watching down on us & maybe, just maybe you really can see what's going on. I sure hope so.

Christmas was VERY hard without you.
Nicole & I went to Roberts & the 3 of us went to the cemtery.
I got so upset as did Nik.
It was her first time being there since the day of your funeral.

After that Robert & I went to the jewish deli & I had a pastrami sandwich.
Not your typical Christmas but then again, there was no way it could be without you here.

So here is it, a new year.
A chance to make new memories, a chance to "start over".

Please Please Please continue to give me strength.
Please continue to bless our family.

We need a good year.
One of happiness & good health.

I love you & miss you more then anything in this world

Your 1st Birthday in heaven

Well Dad,
This was your first year in heaven for your birthday. And while we missed you so very much here on earth, with us, I know you are surrounded by many others who have loved you & missed you.

2014 has without a doubt been THEE hardest year of my life.
Harder then being a 17 year old mother.
Harder then facing my demons & going to rehab.

Losing you, the greatest man I will EVER know, has brought me to my knees.

Just this past weekend, my cousin Stephen came to join you and his own father.
He was only 59.
As you would say, that's too god damn young. He leaves behind 3 children. It is devestating.


Just another reminder how precious life is.
Here one day, gone another. I knew a wonderful mad who used to say the same.

Miss you more then anything & I cannot wait until we meet again.

Wishing you were here

Not sure where to start.
So many things have happened & so many things are coming up that I really wish you were for.

For starters, Nicole had her 20th Birthday & I wish you could have been there for that.

Thanksgiving came & I wish you were there for that.
After all, you are & always will be one of the most important people I am thankful to have had in my life. "HAD" - that hurts so badly. And even though you are no longer phyically here with me, you are & ALWAYS will be in my heart.
I was going to spend the day with Robert & Aunt El but Robert got sick & had to cancel.
I ended up spending the day at the Didden's & Im glad I went. I got to spend the time with Nicole & I know you would have been happy about that. I also know you would have been happy to know I wasn't sitting home alone.


Your Birthday is in 2 days. You would have been 83. You knew you weren't going to be here for it. But Robert, Aunt El are going to go Gino's in your memory.

Then of course there's Christmas.

It's just been one special event, one special holiday after another that you are no longer here to celebrate with us.
And it absoutley breaks my heart.

Im doing the best I can Dad. Im REALLY REALLY trying & I think you would be proud of how I'm holding up.
I think of you & all you went through & not once did you "throw in the towel".
As you would often say "You have to play the hand your delt"

I love you & miss you more then words alone could ever express.

Random

Here I sit, alone, with my thoughts & a blank piece of paper.
I miss you !
That's nothing new, we all know this.
It's just that I'm missing you on a different level.
I'm missing you because it's been almost SIX months!
I'm missing you because so many special occasions are coming up.

Nicole's 20th is just a few days away.
20 years dad. I don't know what her or I would have done without you for the last 19 1/2
I wish you could be here to celebrate. We've come a long way from the scared 16 year old pregnant girl I was. All and only because of your help !

Then there's thanksgiving.
You were and always be one my greatest blessing. And even though you are not physically here, you always will be.
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be who I am today.

Then your birthday.
You told me you wouldn't make it to 83. You knew.
But that doesn't lessen the hurt.

Then Christmas.
Nothing will be the same.
Wish I could fast forward. But I know I can't.
And you wouldn't want me to.
You would want me to show up
For Nicole & I will

I will try to be the parent you were to me, to Nicole.
For then she will only have the best !

I miss you & love you always.