RIP my Godfather

Where to begin?

I HATE CANCER !!!!

It has now taken ANOTHER family member. My Uncle, my Godfather.

My Father & Godfather all in 2 months.

My heart is breaking for my Aunt & my cousins.

This kicks up so much shit for me.

I am truly hurting & I cannot find ANY reason why people have to suffer with this awful disease.

Rest In Peace Uncle Bob.

I will always remember the trips to Va.
The pool, your winabago that I called your castle, the trip to Fla.

I will always remember your kindness & your smile that could light up a room.

Please continue to watch over Aunt Janice, your children & of course your grandchildren.

You will be missed by many.
Im so sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

I hope my father was there to greet you & that the 2 of you can now catch up on years gone by.

Until we all meet again, you will always be in my heart.

"Simply The Best"

I got this picture sent to me from Laurie ( Colleen's daughter) and she wrote "He simply was the best".
She didn't have to tell me that, I've always known it :)

This is Sarah painting your face to make you look like a cat.

I wonder if you knew just how many people loved you, what an impact you had on so many lives & how many of us thought you were the best.

You were always a fan of little kids, it was the teenagers who could drive you nuts ( you & everyone else Dad....lol)

Waking up to this was a great way to start the day.

2 months

2 months ago today, you left this world & mine has been forever changed.

I can't say I haven't heard your voice in 2 months because I still have voicemails & of course all of the videos that Robert shot.

I can't say I haven't "felt" you because I know I did the other day in church.

But I can say, I miss you !

I miss you so much that it truly physically hurts.
I would give anything for one more conversation, one more kiss goodbye, one more hug, one more request for some scratch off's, a buttered roll, a cup of coffee.

I went to the cemetery yesterday & as expected, I cried.
I also watered your tomatoe plant (which by the way is doing great!)
And as always, I kissed your headstone when I was leaving.

I always kissed your farhead when I was leaving.
Now I kiss a granite stone.
Big difference.

I have been writing on here for a little while now yet none of the words I write could ever really express what Im feeling.

It's a pain that can't be put into words.

I can only hope & pray that you know how deeply you are missed.

I was going through the box of stuff that Robert gave me & I was blown away by all the little things you saved.
Just another reminder of how much you loved us.

I love you Dad & Miss you more then anything !

2 months tomorrow !

Tomorrow will be 2 months without you.
TWO months !
I have never gone 2 weeks without talking to you nevermind 2 months.

I'm finding that as time goes on, the pain gets greater.

Yes, I have my "good" days but Im REALLY REALLY missing you Dad.

So many things I want to talk to you about.
So many times I've gone to call you only to realize I can no longer do that, it's like a kick to the stomach.

In this moment, Im stressing out & not that you could "fix" the problem, you would talk me through it.

I look around at some of the people in my life who as grown adults still depend on their parents & I get angry.
Maybe jealousy is a better word.

I think I'm going to "visit" you today.
I'll just sit & talk & cry to you.

Maybe I'll leave feeling better.
That's what Im hoping for because today just sucks.

Feeling your presence

Today was/is a hard day.
I just got back from the funeral of my co-worker.

But I FINALLY felt your presence Dad.
I TRULY TRULY did.
It was calming, I embraced it.
Please continue to bless me with that.
I need it.

I was sitting in the church & as they played all the songs I wish I would have had played for you, I felt you.

Maybe some people would think Im crazy but I know what I felt.

Love you Dad - AlWAYS

Finally Saw A Cardinal !

FINALLY !!!!

I FINALLY saw my cardinal !
No, not the one on my leg :)

Yesterday as I was walking back into work, I saw him. So red, so beautiful.

I actually yelled "LOOK AT THE CARDINAL !!!"
The guys outside prob thought I was crazy but that's ok.
I felt like it was a sign from you.
Maybe you telling me you see my new tattoo.
Maybe you trying to tell me to have some patience.
Im not sure but Im sure glad I finally saw one.

With me everyday Dad.

I miss you like crazy, my heart is still hurting, Im thinking that it always will.

Until we meet again
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Dad's Tat

Well Dad, I did it. I know you would be calling it "god damn grafitti" but I had to.
As I carry you in my heart, always. Now you are on my leg :)
Miss you more with each day that passes.

This past weekend we lost a co-worker & a friend.
Only 42 years old. And leaves behind a 2 small children & a wife.
I can hear what you would say.
How when the old go, you have to make room for the young. But even you would say, that's a shame, he was too young, and he was.





I couldn't flip it :)

Another Dad poem

It's one of "those" days.
I have decided, after to talking to some of co-workers, that I am not going to attend my co workers father's wake.
I just can't do it.
I don't want to be the girl balling her eyes out & everyone wondering why.
I also don't think that's fair to Michelle.
I will write her a card.

But I've been writing about you too Dad.
I can't put into words how badly your absence hurts.
It physically hurts my heart.

I write on here like you can actually read it :)


But I just wrote this for you.

( Yes, at work .....oh well)



As the days goes by I only miss you more.
I cry so much & it hurts to my core.

You were so much more then just my Dad
You were my friend, my rock, all that I had.

There are so many days I want to talk to you
But that’s no longer something that we can do.

Yes, I speak to you when Im all alone
But I miss your voice on the other end of the phone.

They say “time will heal” the pain in my heart
But I know that’s not true because we are apart.

I think of you in the mornings, before I start my day
And I ask you for your guidance in any sort of way

I think about you later at night, when one of us would call
And it always makes me sad to know I can’t do that afterall.

I’d give anything for one more talk, just any little thing
But I’ll always have the smiles that your memory always brings.

Hate death

On Monday, another co-workers father died.
Today is the wake & I am so nervous to attend.
I actually have knots in my stomach.
I feel bad not going, as she came to yours.
My friends here are telling me I don't have to go but I feel like I do.

I also feel like I'm supposed to be "over" grieving you.
I don't know why.
Not one person has even implied this.

Last night I cried myself to sleep.
It was just a bad day.
I physically feel your absence & it hurts like hell.

I was talking to you a lot last night - even as I was trying to fall asleep.
I was asking you to please watch over me & please give me strength.

Im at work & would rather be in my bed.

Within the last year, 5 of us at work have lost our Dad's.
So sad

Dad's Eulogy

I don't think I posted my eulogy to you Dad & before I lose it, Im going to post it here.
I am also going to post the poem that Nicole read.
From what I was told, we both did a good job. Im shocked that we made it through without breaking down. I wonder who it was that was holding us up :)



This was mine.


On May 24th, my family lost not only a father, a grandfather & a brother. We also lost a friend.
For me, my father was my biggest supporter, my rock, my biggest fan.
He stood by me no matter what & always reassured me that his children came first.
For those of you who knew my dad , you knew he was a classic, a one of a kind. Our very own Archie Bunker.
But no matter how rough around the edges as he may have seemed, no matter how dry his sense of humor was or how sarcastic he could be. My father had the most loving, caring & loyal heart.
Dad didn't "pull any punches", he sad it like he saw it and was always a "straight shooter".
So much of who I am is because of him & I am not just lucky but grateful.
I remember having a conversation with him about never getting the chance to walk me down the aisle. I said "you never got to give me away" and he replied with "who ever said I wanted to give you away?"
Just the other day he told me " as long as god makes apples, I love you"
It's moments like these that I will carry with me forever
Nothing. Not death, not cancer can take away our memories. And I know I have a enough memories to last me a lifetime
Thank you Dad.
Thank you for being the man that you were
I still can't seem to find one just like you :)
Thank you for loving Nicole and I as much as you did. You gave us both more then you will ever know. While I was working and going to school, you spent endless hours with her. And in those years, the 2 of you created a bond that could never fully be expressed in words
I know just how much you both meant to one another & I am so grateful for the 19 years you had together.
She will always be your "meatball" & you will always be her "pop-pop"
Until we met again Dad, please watch over us.
I'll "keep an eye on the house" & "hold down the fort"
If you asked me today "ya think you'll ever go back?" I would tell you yes. If only to tell you one more time how much I love you.


And this is the poem Nicole read which was sent to me from Erin's Mom. It's a poem that they have read at Erin's grandparent's funerals. It is beautiful & so very true.


We Remember Them
In the rising of the sun and its going down,
We Remember Them.

In the bowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We Remember Them.

In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring.
We Remember Them.

In the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer,
We Remember Them.

In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn.
We Remember Them.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We Remember Them.

When we are weary and in need of strength,
We Remember Them.

When we are lost and sick of heart,
We Remember Them.

When we have joys and special celebrations we yearn to share,
We Remember Them.

So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are part of us.
We Remember Them.

Where's my cardinal ???

Being that I have only shared this blog with a few number of people, I don't have to explain what a cardinal means to me or my family.

And in the month that Dad has been gone, I have yet to see one !
Not a single one !

Tracey shared another blog with me & demanded that I read it today..like right now !

And in this women's blog she also wrote about a cardinal.
She shared this, which has inspired me to write a second post today.

"A cardinal is representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means they are visiting you. They usually show up when you most need them or miss them. They also make an appearance during times of celebration as well as despair to let you know they will always be with you. Look for them, they'll appear."

Ok Dad, it's time to show me one.
Please !

og

Unexpected tears

It's Monday morning & while driving into work, I heard asong on the radio that just brought me to tears.
It wasn't "thee" song that reminds me of you so I was a little taken back.
It's called " I hope you had the time of your life"
And I couldn't help but think of you.

On Thursday, after work, I met Robert over at the cemetery. We planted some flowers & of course Robert put down more soil & grass seed. He will continue to make sure you only have the best, Im not surprised.

I saw Danielle on Saturday & then invited my friend Keith & Robert over. Sadly, they have a lot in common. They have both been & continue to be the ones who have to deal with everything.
No doubt that both you & Keith's father are proud of both of them.

I said to someone the other day, maybe Erin or Danielle. That when Im having a good day, I think that's when you're with me. But I feel guilty. I feel guilty laughing, even though I know that's what you would want.
I don't want you to ever think that Im ok without you here because Im not.
Im just trying to do what you would want me to do, what you yourself had to do many times during your life.

I miss you Dad - I know I say that over & over but God I miss you so much !

So Many Memories

I know you're watching over us, I know you ALWAYS WILL.

Yesterday I went to Briggs St.
I always find comfort there but yesterday I just went into your room, layed on your bed & cried my eyes out.
I needed to do that.

Of course Robert came in to see if I was ok & then asked me what I wanted for dinner.
Telling him I wasn't hungry wasn't working so I sat & ate some "famous" Robert salad.

I told him that I find so much comfort being with him. He is after all, the closest thing to you.

And he has this ability to make me laugh even when Im crying.

You raised 2 amazing men Dad.
They have really stepped up to the plate, you would be so proud.

Sam checks in with me, sending me messages that sound just like the things you would say.

Robert gave me a box of all the things you saved over the years. I was blown away !
You saved a ltl flower pot I made you in 1989 !
He gave me quite a few envelops of cards, letters, drawings & pictures you saved of both mine & Nicole's.
As Rob said " do you think you wrote him enough letters telling him how much you loved him & how grateful you were for him?" - We laughed but it also was just another reminder to me that I have no regrets with you. I am so happy that I not only gave you them but that you saved them.

There was one thing in particular that just brought me to tears.
It was a bookthat my mother gave you on what I believe was your wedding day.
I was shocked that after the divorce you didn't throw it away.
As Robert said, he prob didn't because he knew one day you would get it.
Thank you Dad.

You still continue to comfort me & remind me of just how special our bond is.
I don't say "was" because it's a bond that will never go away

You are still near us

Not sure how to begin this.
I know you didn't believe in psychic's or mediums but I have to share what Nicole & I experienced last night.

You were there Dad. I know it.
The things she said were things you would say. Such as "Shit or get off the pot"
(referring to Steve & I).

Colleen came up. You said you cared about her but she was a pain in the ass.
Another thing you would say !

She told Nicole that you came to her & that she knew it. Which by the way, Nicole had told me she felt you. I guess she really did.

She said "he just put a little nurses hat on you & called you his little helper"
She asked why I felt guilty & I said because I couldnt really help you to the bathroom, she said you don't want me to feel guilty for anything.

She asked who died of empasymna ( totally spelt that wrong) but I said my Uncle.
Then she asked who drove a bus for many years, I said my other Uncle.
She said you were standing with the two of them.
I wasn't surprised, Uncle Denny & Uncle Charlie were your buddies.
And what's strange is, before Nicole & I went in, I said I just want to know that you're with them.
And she validated that you are.

There were a lot of other things said but the bottom line is, I left there feeling such a sense of peace.
I questioned if I would really ever see you again, I wondered if you were really watching over us, and now I know you are.

Thank you Dad.

For comforting me as you always have.

Miss you & love you forever !