Random

Here I sit, alone, with my thoughts & a blank piece of paper.
I miss you !
That's nothing new, we all know this.
It's just that I'm missing you on a different level.
I'm missing you because it's been almost SIX months!
I'm missing you because so many special occasions are coming up.

Nicole's 20th is just a few days away.
20 years dad. I don't know what her or I would have done without you for the last 19 1/2
I wish you could be here to celebrate. We've come a long way from the scared 16 year old pregnant girl I was. All and only because of your help !

Then there's thanksgiving.
You were and always be one my greatest blessing. And even though you are not physically here, you always will be.
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be who I am today.

Then your birthday.
You told me you wouldn't make it to 83. You knew.
But that doesn't lessen the hurt.

Then Christmas.
Nothing will be the same.
Wish I could fast forward. But I know I can't.
And you wouldn't want me to.
You would want me to show up
For Nicole & I will

I will try to be the parent you were to me, to Nicole.
For then she will only have the best !

I miss you & love you always.

Random thoughts - missing you as always

Well I should start by saying I "jumped the gun" with my last post. The cardinals didn't make it to the World Series. I truly thought they were going to win Dad.
I haven't written in a little while because I had no access on my computer. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about you or wanted to write.
I'm posting this by using my phone. I hope it works.

I had a rough day last Thursday. When people say grief comes in waves they sure weren't kidding.
I was supposed to go to the bereavement group but decided I'm not going to attend that anymore. It's been very choppy, cancelled a couple of times & I just don't feel like any bonds are being formed.
I will stick with my regular therapist. She is amazing.

I miss you so much Dad.
I can't even begin to describe it. There truly are no words that could ever really express the depths of this grief.

Your name was put on your grave. I know that's where your physical body lays but just seeing it, made it real all over again.
Robert was there when the guy did it. I'm sure you wouldn't be surprised by that. I wasn't. He was always there for you. Had it not been so early in the morning I would have went to but you know me Dad, I love my sleep. I did go later in the afternoon & I have to say, it came out nice.

There are so many things approaching that you should be here for. Nicole's 20th birthday, Thanksgiving, your birthday, Christmas.
I hate that the 6 month mark without you falls on Nicole's birthday.
I will try my hardest not to think about it too much. As I know you wouldn't want me to be sad on such a special day.

As always, please continue to guide me, please visit in my dreams.
You are & always will be in my heart.
Until we meet again - I love you Dad.