Latest Dr's apt update

Dad had another Dr apt on 2/25/14.
He has lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks.
Which I was surprised to hear considering he's been eating more then he had been.
The Dr said it could be "water weight" & he didn't seem to concerned.
The growth has not changed so that is also a good sign.

If there's one thing I can say for certain about my Dad it's, he is a fighter.
Always has been & apparently always will be.
Just another reason why I admire this man so much.

He is back on the chemo pills this week.
They are really taking a toll on his stomach, poor guy.

In Memory Of Richard Kerzner & some other random thoughts.

On Friday, Febuary 21, 2014, a dear friend of mine's father lost his battle against cancer.
He had fought long & hard but sadly this disease takes way too many lives.
My heart breaks for my friend as she has already experienced so much loss in her life.
I admire her strength, I admire her ability to continue on, I admire her for so many different reasons.
So today, I ask that whoever reads this, to pray for her.
To keep her in your thoughts & to send loving caring thoughts her way.

My Dad goes back to the Dr today.

I saw him yesterday.
He is so much skinnier.
And all he talks about is how he's lived his life. And how he misses my Uncles.
Its very sad & very depressing.
I know this isn't about me but I can't help but leave with such a heavy heart.
I am struggling really bad & yet Im trying to act as if Im ok.
Im not ok.
Im fuckin terrified.
I am poweless in this situation & it really really sucks.

Lately I've been worrying about EVERYTHING & EVERYONE.
Did I hurt this ones feelings, did I not show up enough for this one, did I disappoint this person?
I can't do it anymore.
Im human.
I will make mistakes, I will let people down, I will fall short.
Just like the rest of us.

I suppose the ones who see past my faults, the ones who can understand that I'm going through the most difficult situation in my life, the ones who will love me anyway, will be there at the end of the day.
And if they aren't, I will be sad but I will have to carry on.

I cannot allow myself to be consumed with worry.
I've got enough on my plate to worry about.
I can no longer allow everyone else to add to that.

Praying for good news at the Dr today.
Please say a prayer

And in closing.
May Richard Kerzner finally rest in peace.
May his family know that he is no longer suffering & may God give each & everyone of them the strength to get through this.

Dr update & some other random stuff

It's been a couple of days since I've written.

Dad had a Dr's apt last week. They took more blood so they can see his "#'s".
I suppose that will act as a base line to see how well the medication is working.
He goes back again on 2/25/14.
He did gain a pound so that's good.

He is starting to feel the effects of the medication.
It's taking a toll on his stomach.

I went to church yesterday.
I was up early & decided maybe it would help.
So I got there are early a lite 2 candles.
One for Dad & the other for the other people who are suffering.

There was something comforting about sitting there.
Grant it, I've spent a lot of time in that church.
So many memories. Some happier then others but still, all very significant moments in many people's lives.

I sat there knowing that I will never get the chance to walk down that aisle with him.
It's really something that I will just have to accept and I guess I wanted to see how I would do sitting there in that situation.
I surprisngly kept it together.

I spent a few hours at Dad's on Saturday. Robert & I were going through things, trying to get rid of any unneccessary papers, clothes, etc.
Of course we came accross lots of funny memories & it was nice for Dad to see us laughing.

One day at a time.
It's really the only way to live.

Conversations with Dad

There are certain conversations that are not easy to have.
I'm a big fan of avoidence.
Not a good thing but something I can admitt.
I've been trying to become better at this & I know I've made some improvement.

With all that's going on with Dad, I've been trying to ask questions, I've been saying everything I want him to know.
But there's been this elephant in the room.
A question I had to ask because I really needed to know his thoughts.
And so yesterday, I asked.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamt of my wedding day. It wasn't so much about the husband or the "party" but because I really wanted my father to walk me down the aisle.
He didn't get that opportunity with my sister & after that, it became that much more important to me.
It almost didn't matter who the groom was, I wanted my father to experience that moment. He deserved it.

After 2 broken engagements, I feared he would never get that chance.

In speaking with him one day, I said "Dad, you never got the chance to walk me down the aisle, to give me away".
He replied with "Who ever said I wanted to give you away?".
WOW !
( As my oldest brother said, "that was a gift")

Now here we are.
The clock is ticking.
And sadly, I know, the day of Dad walking me down the aisle on my wedding day, will never happen.

I started to think about the day when Dad is no longer here.
I started to think "Do I really want to walk down the aisle with him on the day of his funeral?"
A part of me said "shit, I'll take anything I can get"
And then there is the side of me that said "No, that's not how it was supposed to be & that's not how it's going to be".

But instead of ME making that choice.
I asked him.

I said "I have to ask you something & it's a hard question to ask".
He said "What is it?"
I said " When the time comes, do you want a mass at St.Barnabas or do you want something in the funeral parlor?"
He said "The funeral parlor is fine, I didn't go to church much anyway".
I said "ok"
And the I left to take care of our taxes.

When I came home he said "Now I got a question for you"
I said "Ok, what?"
He said "Where the hell did that question about mass come from?"
I said "Because I've always dreamt of you walking me down the aisle & Im not so sure that's how I wanted it to be. I wanted to know your feelings".
He said "I'd walk down the aisle with you anytime".

Then he went on to say "I worry about you".
I told him he didn't have to worry about me anymore.
He said "Ill worry about you til the day I die. He said your sister is all set, she has her family. Your brother Sam is ok & your brother Robert has this job at Hofstra, it's you I worry about"

God I love that man.
I love him more then any other man in this world & I know NOTHING will ever change that.

When I tell him I love him, he ususally says " I know you do kid".
Besides hearing "I love you too", that's the best answer I could hope for.
For him to KNOW that I love him.

I've learned a lot about myself in these last 2 months.
I've learned that Im not as weak as I sometimes think I am.
I've learned a lot about the people I choose to have in my life & Im re-evalutating each and every relationship I share.
I've learned more about life & I've held on tighter to my faith.

It sucks that our greatest lessons in life usually come from pain. But I suppose that's when we're the most willing. Willing to listen, willing to try, willing to believe & willing to have a little faith.

Today my brother is going to the funeral parlor.
Im sure some people may think we're "jumping the gun" but we are choosing to have things in order so that when the day does come, we won't have to make such hard decisions under the emotional hell we'll be feeling.
He asked me if I wanted to go with him & I said "No".
I cannot pick out my fathers casket. I just cannot do it.

And then this morning I got to thinking.
This isn't "easy" for my brother either.
This is his father too, his best friend.
So I spoke to my brother & told him I would go if he wanted me to.
That everything doesn't have to always fall on him.
He said he could go alone. He said this wasnt as difficult for him.
And that he only asked me because he wanted to keep me involved.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this.
Thank God for the amazing people in my life.
My family & my friends have been my greatest source of strength many times throughout my life. And here they are again. Acting as my pillars, holding me up, keeping me going.
How do you repay someone for that?
How do you fully express your gratitude?
Is saying "thank you" really enough?
Do they know how they've touched my life, my heart?
Do they understand how much I love them & how thankful I am for their constant support?

I sure hope they do.
I hope if I said to them "I love you", that they too would be able to respond with "I know".

This post was all over the place.
Scattered thoughts written down.
Scattered, that pretty much sums up my brain right now.