Conversations with Dad

There are certain conversations that are not easy to have.
I'm a big fan of avoidence.
Not a good thing but something I can admitt.
I've been trying to become better at this & I know I've made some improvement.

With all that's going on with Dad, I've been trying to ask questions, I've been saying everything I want him to know.
But there's been this elephant in the room.
A question I had to ask because I really needed to know his thoughts.
And so yesterday, I asked.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamt of my wedding day. It wasn't so much about the husband or the "party" but because I really wanted my father to walk me down the aisle.
He didn't get that opportunity with my sister & after that, it became that much more important to me.
It almost didn't matter who the groom was, I wanted my father to experience that moment. He deserved it.

After 2 broken engagements, I feared he would never get that chance.

In speaking with him one day, I said "Dad, you never got the chance to walk me down the aisle, to give me away".
He replied with "Who ever said I wanted to give you away?".
WOW !
( As my oldest brother said, "that was a gift")

Now here we are.
The clock is ticking.
And sadly, I know, the day of Dad walking me down the aisle on my wedding day, will never happen.

I started to think about the day when Dad is no longer here.
I started to think "Do I really want to walk down the aisle with him on the day of his funeral?"
A part of me said "shit, I'll take anything I can get"
And then there is the side of me that said "No, that's not how it was supposed to be & that's not how it's going to be".

But instead of ME making that choice.
I asked him.

I said "I have to ask you something & it's a hard question to ask".
He said "What is it?"
I said " When the time comes, do you want a mass at St.Barnabas or do you want something in the funeral parlor?"
He said "The funeral parlor is fine, I didn't go to church much anyway".
I said "ok"
And the I left to take care of our taxes.

When I came home he said "Now I got a question for you"
I said "Ok, what?"
He said "Where the hell did that question about mass come from?"
I said "Because I've always dreamt of you walking me down the aisle & Im not so sure that's how I wanted it to be. I wanted to know your feelings".
He said "I'd walk down the aisle with you anytime".

Then he went on to say "I worry about you".
I told him he didn't have to worry about me anymore.
He said "Ill worry about you til the day I die. He said your sister is all set, she has her family. Your brother Sam is ok & your brother Robert has this job at Hofstra, it's you I worry about"

God I love that man.
I love him more then any other man in this world & I know NOTHING will ever change that.

When I tell him I love him, he ususally says " I know you do kid".
Besides hearing "I love you too", that's the best answer I could hope for.
For him to KNOW that I love him.

I've learned a lot about myself in these last 2 months.
I've learned that Im not as weak as I sometimes think I am.
I've learned a lot about the people I choose to have in my life & Im re-evalutating each and every relationship I share.
I've learned more about life & I've held on tighter to my faith.

It sucks that our greatest lessons in life usually come from pain. But I suppose that's when we're the most willing. Willing to listen, willing to try, willing to believe & willing to have a little faith.

Today my brother is going to the funeral parlor.
Im sure some people may think we're "jumping the gun" but we are choosing to have things in order so that when the day does come, we won't have to make such hard decisions under the emotional hell we'll be feeling.
He asked me if I wanted to go with him & I said "No".
I cannot pick out my fathers casket. I just cannot do it.

And then this morning I got to thinking.
This isn't "easy" for my brother either.
This is his father too, his best friend.
So I spoke to my brother & told him I would go if he wanted me to.
That everything doesn't have to always fall on him.
He said he could go alone. He said this wasnt as difficult for him.
And that he only asked me because he wanted to keep me involved.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this.
Thank God for the amazing people in my life.
My family & my friends have been my greatest source of strength many times throughout my life. And here they are again. Acting as my pillars, holding me up, keeping me going.
How do you repay someone for that?
How do you fully express your gratitude?
Is saying "thank you" really enough?
Do they know how they've touched my life, my heart?
Do they understand how much I love them & how thankful I am for their constant support?

I sure hope they do.
I hope if I said to them "I love you", that they too would be able to respond with "I know".

This post was all over the place.
Scattered thoughts written down.
Scattered, that pretty much sums up my brain right now.