A moment of gratitude

As I posted yesterday, it has been one month since you have physically left this world.

I went to the cemetery yesterday with Erin. Only a best friend would give up her lunch hour to come and be with me.
We couldn't find "you" & I started to become frustrated & sad. I actually told you that I didn't have time for hide & go seek. And then I spotted your grave.
And then I proceeded to cry. Erin rubbed my back & spoke encouraging words, just comforting me as she's done these last 6 months.
As I said to Erin, This isn't where Im supposed to come to visit you.

I went not only because it was your 1st month away from us but also because I had to water the tomatoe & pepper plants that Robert planted for you.

Speaking of friends & people who have supported me, I am blessed.

From Danielle, who was there the night you passed. She actually came to the house before they "took you away". Poor girl didn't know what she was walking into but as always held herself together in her usual classy way.

Tracey, the last friend of mine you saw. You always liked her & I'll always remember how you teased her & told her if she was only a few years younger...lol.

Barbara,who sadly lost her own father to cancer just a few months before you lost your battle. She has been a good friend to me throughout the 13 years I've known her. She has expierenced many losses in her life but keeps on going, just like you did Dad.

Patti - although she isn't here in NY, she has always been only a phone call away. She will always listen & she reminds me of not only all the good times but also reminds me that I am strong & encourages me. She was the first one of "us" to expierence a major loss. The tragic loss of her brother. She knows the feeling of grief & how it physcially hurts.

Joanne, who would always text me when I wasn't at work to see how I was doing. Always checking in with me & always willing to listen or offer her support in any way she could.

Elaine, my supervisor who has been more then understanding. She has actually cried with me over the last few months. Im lucky to have a compassionate boss & I am so very grateful.

Aunt Bernadette - yes, my Aunt but also my friend. Even before we lost you she has been a huge source of support, love & encouragment.

Steve has also been very supportive & regardless of whatever we've been through, he was & is there for me during this journey. He has listened to me, held me when I just couldn't stop crying & has tried his hardest to understand. Not his fault that he really can't but he has tried.

And Keith. Keith has helped me more then he realizes. He has been a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen & has also encouraged me along the way as he still does today.

Sadly, Barbara, Keith & myself have all became a part of this "club". A club nobody wants to be a part of. The club of losing a parent. Besides the loss of a child, I believe losing a parent is one of the scariest things to go through. Your parents have known you your entire life, they made your world safe & when they are no longer here with us, our worlds are forever changed.

I am also blessed to work with people who truly care. Who showed up to not only pay their respects but also to show their support for me. Not everyone is lucky enough to work with such amazing people. Johna,Sandra,Krystal,Laurie,Cyndee & Kristin. All women who have shown a true concern for me & have always listened when I needed someone to vent to.

I will never forget the words that our director said to me at your wake.
He said "Liz, the changes I've seen in you over the last 5 years have been remarkable, I can only imagine how proud your father must have been".

So even though a part of me is gone, I am very very fortunate to be surrounded by loving, caring & supportive people.

I guess today will be a day of gratitude. Or at least right now it is, these days I can go from "ok" to a blubbering mess. I treasure moments like this. And I know that you would want me to count my blessings instead of wallowing in my grief.
You still continue to give me strength. And I know you always will.

1 month

I can't believe that today is 1 month that you're gone.
An entire month since I've spoken to you, kissed your head or held your hand.

Words could never express just how much I miss you.

Nicole & I went to dinner last night & of course spoke about you. We both shared about what an important & strong influence you were ( and still are ) to us.

I hope you knew how much we love you. I believe you did. As your response to me at times when I told you that I loved you was " I know you do kid".
I hope you know how grateful we are to have had you as our father & grandfather.

I love you Dad.
Forever

Missing you !!!!

I miss you.

I miss you so much it physically hurts.

No doubt a piece of my heart left the day you did.

I went out to the farm this past weekend.
We had such a nice day that day.

As soon as I saw the apple orchid, I cried.
I guess you could say they were tears of happiness but also sadness.
Sad because I will never again get to do that with you.

I went out there to try & "clear my head".
Well that didn't work. It was so quiet, all I did was think.

I miss you so much Dad.

The mornings are hard.
It's as if I just want to wake up from this nightmare & in the morning, its like I have to accept it all over again.

I find so much comfort being around Robert.
I suppose because he's the closest thing to you & because we both shared such a special bond with you.
He truly is amazing.
He does the daily calls, just like you did.
Last night he callled & said " I can hear him telling me "check in with your kid sister".
Told me to go to work & "put a day in the bank"

People say time will help, I dont want to rush away my life but I cannot wait until I can see you again.

Father's Day without you

Yesterday was Father's Day.
The first one without you here.

Figures that would be the first holiday to come since you've been gone.

I went to the cemetery with Jesse early in the morning.
I brought you a rose & of course a scratch off :)

After that I went & hung out with Robert.
We went to Geno's & then did yard work together.
I know if you're looking down, you would be so happy that not only were we spending time together but I know you would be so happy to see us in the yard.

Everyone asked how I was, I got a lot of messages & they were all so kind & thoughtful.
But the thing is, everday for the last 3 weeks has sucked.
My pain is still so raw, so yesterday wasn't much different.

I think I go back & forth between denial & anger.
The sadness will never go away.

At first ( the first week maybe) I felt like I just hadn't seen you in a couple of days. But now, now it's starting to set in. I have never gone without talking to you or seeing you for THREE weeks !

I talk to you everyday & I know you are my angel now.
But I would do anything to have you here with us.
Healthy of course, happy, in the garden or sitting on the stoop.

Your absence is felt so strongly.
A part of my heart is gone - never to be repaired or replaced.
It's a part that belonged to you & always will.

Random Ramblings

It's a gloomy Wednesday morning, could have stayed in bed all day.
But I think about how you would want me to continue on.
I think of all the times you had been knocked down & ALWAYS got right back up.
You certinaly had your share of heartache & obstacles but ALWAYS kept on going.
As you would say "Every day is a new beginning.
So I try Dad.
I try REALLY hard to just keep going.
Falling apart isn't an option, although I would be lying if I said I didn't want to at times.

This Sunday is Father's Day - wonderful.
The first holiday that comes after your departure.
Not quite sure how Im going to get through that day.
Maybe the anticipation of it will be worse then the actual day.
That's what Im hoping for.
Im sure I'll spend part of the day with Robert & this will be my first time visitng you at your grave for a holiday rather then coming to the house.

I started to seeing a therapist who deals with grief couseling.
Her name is Janet.
There are no coincedences.
And she is wonderful.

I see her today, thank God because the past 2 days have been pretty hard.

Everyone says "Im here if you want to talk" but who really wants to hear all about how Im feeling?
I feel bad dumping those emotions of anyone.
And that's also why Im glad I have Janet.
I may have to pay her but at least I don't feel bad telling her where Im at.

Well Dad that's all.
Like you can actually read this :)

Miss you more then words could ever express.
And love you just the same.
Forever !

One of my poems

A poem I wrote for my brother.

After the passing of 2 of my Uncle's, my brother was my Dad's best friend.
People had so many comments about their relationship. And it's really so sad because my brother is and always will be one of the most loving & loyal people I know.
To everyone who has something to say, your loss.

I will always stay true & loyal to my brother.
NOT just because that's what my father would want but because I am so lucky to have him.

Right up until the very end,
You spent your moments with your friend.

The one who always took such care,
The one who proved to always be there.

The one who gave all that he had,
Not just for his friend but also his Dad.

The sacrifices he made, all out of love
Because of the bond that you shared & his mother above.

Loyal, intelligent, kind & true,
No doubt that he was raised by you.

I thank you Dad, for he is my brother
I could not ask for or wish for any other.

I'll keep an eye on him as he will with me,
I know it's the way you would want it to be.

Until the day we meet again, please watch us from above
And know how much we miss you & how we still can feel your love.

So Frigen Sad

Its a rainy Monday morning.
Rainy days are more depressing now then ever before.
I imagine his body laying in the ground as the rain just pours down.
Im sure some would say "dont think like that".
I can't help it.

I DO try & make it better by saying that he's watering the garden for me today.

I miss him so much & I know it's only going to get worse.

I've tried to find a bereavment group but haven't had any luck.
I know that will help me.
Just as NA helped me in the past, being with people who REALLY understand what you're going through helps me.

I started to see a therapist who deals with grief. And she is wonderful.
She is going to find one for me but believes you have to be 3 months in.
I don't want to wait 3 months.
My feelings are raw right now - I want that support now.

I am going to call the church & ask them.

Dad,
I miss you. I miss you more then any words could express.
I would give anything to have one more conversation with you, to see you or hold your hand.
To hear you tell me "Be careful", "Watch the driving", "Keep ya nose clean", "Watch Nicole like a hawk" or my favorite "I love you too kid" or when I would tell you that I love you, you would say "I know you do".

People keep telling me "TIME" will help.
BULLSHIT !
Time doesn't make it better.
Time only means that we've been apart that much longer.

My heart physically hurts.
My heart & world have been shattered.

A new journey

I named this blog "My Journey with my father". And although he is no longer physically here, apparently my journey with him will last forever.

So now Im on this "greif journey" - I WANT OFF !
This is one journey I don't know if I can handle.

I've always been the emotional one.
Now I think Im a total mental patient :)

One minute Im ok & the next Im in tears.

A part of me feels like Im in denial but how could that be?
I saw his dead body !
I saw his withering away.
I knew this was going to happen.

To think Ill never see him again on this earth is such a hard concept to wrap my head around.
I have video's & still have voicemails so I heard his voice yesterday.
Not that I think I could ever forget his voice - I can hear him telling me what to do in every situation.

My heart is so broken.

Dad Poem

These are not my words but I thought I would share.



Memories of Dad

I will take this special moment
To turn my thoughts to Dad
Thank him for the home he gave
For all the things we had.

We think about the fleeting years
Too quickly, gone for good
It seems like only yesterday
I’d go back if I could.

A time when Dad was always there,
No matter what the weather.
Always strong when things went wrong
He held our lives together.

He strived so hard from day to day
And never once complained.
With steady hands, he worked so hard
And kept the family name.

He taught us that hard work pays off,
You reap just what you sow.
He said that if you tend your crops,
Your field will overflow.

My life has been bountiful
He taught me how to give
In his firm and steadfast way
He taught me how to live.

Dad dwells among the angels now
He left us much too soon
He glides across a golden field
Above the harvest moon.

I see him in the summer rain,
He rides upon the wind
And when my path is beaten down
He picks me up again.


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Going forward

Although this blog started when we found ut about Dad's cancer, I think I may continue to write as writing has always been a source of therapy for me.
And although he is no longer physically here with us, he is in my heart forever.
There will be good days & bad days ahead, Im fully aware of this.
And for that reason, I will continue to post here.

As with any of my blogs, there really for me.
If I have choosen to share them with you, it's because you are an important person in my life who I know loves & cares for me. It's because I would openly share most of my thoughts with you.

I read this yesterday & thought it was beautiful.
So I will share.

He is gone

He is gone.

On Saturday May 24,2014, God took my father home.

I was there earlier in the day with Ellen.
I told him I loved him & he said "I love you too" - I said "I know Dad".

Ellen & I left around 3:15.

I was home putting together some pictures as we knew the day was approaching.

I called the house & my brother Sam answered.
When Robert wasn't there, I just assumed he had gone out for a bit.

When Robert showed up at my apt, it never occured to me to think he was gone.

I showed Robert the pictures and he said "very nice, maybe you can use them tomorrow".
I just looked at him.
And he said "he's gone".
I just collapsed into tears.

My father, my best friend, my rock, my biggest fan was gone.

I can only find some comfort in knowing that I loved him & he loved me.
I have no regrets, he is no longer suffering.

But my god, I miss him.
More then any words could ever express.

I will share my eulogy on here when I have it in front of me.

Until we meet again Dad, please watch over us.
I love you forever