Time

It's been a little while since I've last posted.
Nothing really new to report on Dad.
His #'s seem to be good however, this medication is really taking it's toll on him.
The poor guy is constantly in the bathroom, still suffering with stomach issues & of course his headaches.
I still can't figure out why he's in ANY discomfort.
Why can't the Dr's give him something to ease the pain?
I suppose he will have to voice his concerns & they can go from there.

What Im about to write about next is not really about my Dad but it's definitley a lesson I've learned & now followed through with because of this situation.

Time.
It's the greatest gift we can give someone. And actually, my father has always told me this.
When I was younger it kinda went in one ear & out the other.
But as I've gotten older, as I've lost people or pets that I loved, I've really come to learn & KNOW that our time is valuable.

I spent A LOT of my time, in a relationship that was no longer good for me.
Im not saying he is or was a bad person, none of us are perfect.
But I know in my heart of hearts, I have to move on from this.
I won't go into specific details but I also know that my father would be proud of me for making this decision & actually sticking to it !!!!

As the clock ticks away, I have re-evaluated the relationships I share.
I made this move based on a whole lot of things.
My gut feeling, facts, past history & moving forward.

I read a quote the other day that hit close to home.
"Will you look back on your life and say "I wish I had" or "Im glad I did"?

None of us know when our time here will end.
We really DO have to live one day at a time.
And I REALLY believe we need to spend our time with the people who lift us up, who truly only want good things for us, the people who want to see us happy.

"Our intuition knows best; unlike our mind, it's only motive is our happiness"

Random Thoughts....again

Here I sit in front of a blank page, not really sure what words to write out.
Im not really sure what it is that I want to say but I know I have so many thoughts running through my head.

I fear the day he no longer here.
I fear my life without him in it.
I fear that I will fall apart never to be the person I once was.
I fear I will be forever changed by his departure.
I fear that my world will crumble and I won't know how to pick up the pieces.

I suppose all of these fears are normal.
I suppose anyone who loses someone they love so dearly will face these fears.

We don't have much of a choice.

We will all face this devesation at some point.

People have asked me if it's easier or harder to know that he is dying.
Im not really sure what the answer to that is.

Yes, I get the opportunity to know that each day is a blessing.
Yes, I have the opportunity to ask all the questions I have to tell him all the things I want to say.
But at the same time, it feels like torture.
As if in the back of my mind I hear "tick tock tick tock".

I guess God wouldnt have put this on my plate if he didn't think I could handle it.
But Im not so sure if I can or I will.

I will try to make him proud.
I will try my hardest to keep on moving on.
But I can't promise anything.

Losing my father is going to be like losing a part of myself.
A BIG part of myself.
But I will carry him, his sarcastic humor & his self of pride with me forever