Random Thoughts....again

Here I sit in front of a blank page, not really sure what words to write out.
Im not really sure what it is that I want to say but I know I have so many thoughts running through my head.

I fear the day he no longer here.
I fear my life without him in it.
I fear that I will fall apart never to be the person I once was.
I fear I will be forever changed by his departure.
I fear that my world will crumble and I won't know how to pick up the pieces.

I suppose all of these fears are normal.
I suppose anyone who loses someone they love so dearly will face these fears.

We don't have much of a choice.

We will all face this devesation at some point.

People have asked me if it's easier or harder to know that he is dying.
Im not really sure what the answer to that is.

Yes, I get the opportunity to know that each day is a blessing.
Yes, I have the opportunity to ask all the questions I have to tell him all the things I want to say.
But at the same time, it feels like torture.
As if in the back of my mind I hear "tick tock tick tock".

I guess God wouldnt have put this on my plate if he didn't think I could handle it.
But Im not so sure if I can or I will.

I will try to make him proud.
I will try my hardest to keep on moving on.
But I can't promise anything.

Losing my father is going to be like losing a part of myself.
A BIG part of myself.
But I will carry him, his sarcastic humor & his self of pride with me forever