So Frigen Sad

Its a rainy Monday morning.
Rainy days are more depressing now then ever before.
I imagine his body laying in the ground as the rain just pours down.
Im sure some would say "dont think like that".
I can't help it.

I DO try & make it better by saying that he's watering the garden for me today.

I miss him so much & I know it's only going to get worse.

I've tried to find a bereavment group but haven't had any luck.
I know that will help me.
Just as NA helped me in the past, being with people who REALLY understand what you're going through helps me.

I started to see a therapist who deals with grief. And she is wonderful.
She is going to find one for me but believes you have to be 3 months in.
I don't want to wait 3 months.
My feelings are raw right now - I want that support now.

I am going to call the church & ask them.

Dad,
I miss you. I miss you more then any words could express.
I would give anything to have one more conversation with you, to see you or hold your hand.
To hear you tell me "Be careful", "Watch the driving", "Keep ya nose clean", "Watch Nicole like a hawk" or my favorite "I love you too kid" or when I would tell you that I love you, you would say "I know you do".

People keep telling me "TIME" will help.
BULLSHIT !
Time doesn't make it better.
Time only means that we've been apart that much longer.

My heart physically hurts.
My heart & world have been shattered.